DrunkboatAMC Van Ness 14
A teenager makes his down and out uncle (a greasy John Malkovich) buy him a boat from a con man played by an adorably sexy John Goodman. It’s very talky in a David Mamet way and so you know right off the bat it’s gonna suck. If I want to see teenagers doing Mamet, I’ll watch Dawson’s Creek. And I do. Wait, that was confusing but I basically just wanted to say to not watch this and to watch Dawson’s Creek instead. Please note: I still want John Goodman to be my dad/boyfriend.

Ice Age: Continental DriftEverywhere
Another Ice Age movie. These movies (I use the term loosely) keep just getting worse and worse. And the first one was PRETTTTTY bad. I pity the fool that has a child because you’ll be sitting through this garbage and also, you have a kid and they are pretty much THE WORST. I used to think the only reason to have a kid was so that they could take care of you when you get old but honestly, that’s no guarantee, and you could just as easily* birth a child that murders you in your sleep and also your vagina is straight messed for life. Like, in Japan they have special XXL toilets for women who have experienced the miracle of child birth because their aim is not so good. They also make them perform in ping pong shows with watermelons and use them as luggage storage lockers at airports. FACTS.

Crazy EyesLumiere
A party-hardy bachelor dude meets a lady that parties just as hard as he does, AND BOY IS IT CRAZY. And bad.

Farewell, My QueenEmbarcadero
Buddy movie about Marie Antoinette and one of her ladies-in-waiting. I love period films done right, says my vagina. Out of all the TERRIBLE movies opening this weekend, this one stinks the least, so take that as you will. Sorta off topic, it’s Friday the 13th, NOBODY in Hollywood had the foresight to release a horror film today? They are seriously a bunch of good-for-nothing dumb dumbs, right??? I mean, isn’t this Marketing 101? I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure my dogs (my DOGS) could run a studio better than these g-d IDJITS.


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