Snow White and the Huntsman – Everywhere
I gotta say, my girl Charlize looks damn fine. She consistently chooses stellar roles to showcase her ability (which, let’s be honest, is her perfect face) and she doth shine. Well, except for when she played Beetlejuice in Monster, she won an Oscar for that, right? Michael Keaton was robbed! Anyway, I gotta ask: if you’re gonna make a movie about the “fairest of them all,” why did you cast Kristen Stewart? Unless it was secretly directed by M. Night Shyamalan and the twist is that it’s–GASP–Chris Hemsworth all along.
Moonrise Kingdom – Kabuki
There’s an alternate universe somewhere in which Wes Anderson is still making movies that have actual beating hearts, like Bottle Rocket and Rushmore, instead of these delicate twee constructions, too pretty and fragile to withstand any humanity. Too bad so sad, we live in this shitty universe.
Piranha 3DD – Everywhere
Has it come to this? I have to choose between overwrought pieces of beautiful boring crap and steaming hunks of ugly boring crap? Okay, well, this is a movie about killer piranhas, which really something I’ve thought about since seeing Rushmore so, it all comes full circle. This is one of those movies that sounds like it might be some good stupid fun but in reality it’s just stupid: like Scary Movie but without any jokes. Is that redundant?
A Cat in Paris – Opera Plaza
It’s about a cat, but ALSO a cat BURGLAR, get it? Actually, this has a cool unique animation style that DOESN’T look like Shrek, and it’s NOT in 3D, so this is probably what I’ll see. Leave it to Europe to deliver the goods!