The Lucky One – Everywhere
Nicholas Sparks-style cinematic vomit. These types of movies must make so much damn money. If you even have the smallest interest in writing a film about two attractive young people in love but one of them is dying or is in an accident and it’s shot entirely in flashbacks and there’s a war involved, DO IT TO IT. Also, send me some of your money so I can burn it. You disgust me/I’m so jealous of your talent. You see, everyone is talking about HBO’s Girls but everyone’s actually watching this shit, and that’s one of the many problems of our times. It doesn’t matter how much buzz a quality show or movie gets, everyone deep down wants to see wartime romance or teenagers slapping each other with their dicks.
Think Like a Man – Everywhere
This premise is insane. In the movie, four women buy Steve Harvey’s book of the same name, and use it to see if they can trick men, real sneaky like. ‘Cause that’s what women do, all we care about is tricking men, getting a ring on it, and then letting ourselves go. Actually, that kinda just wrapped me up in a couple sentences, so I’m not hating. BUT I’M NOT EXACTLY CELEBRATING, EITHER. This movie is based on a terrible book, conceived in insanity, and birthed in shame. There are probably four solid laughs in it which makes it better than pretty much anything else that’s out there, I’ll see it and I’ll hate myself and then I’ll put on another five pounds and jump off a bridge.
Chimpanzee – Everywhere
Fucking bad-ass chimpanzees in the fucking jungle being fucking amazing. The narration can get a little grating but it’s worth it to see all that awesome wilderness. Man, non-human animals are the best, let’s hug them all and think about how they are so much smarter and better and cooler than terrible humans with our hats and pocket protectors and stuff.
SF International Film Festival – Various
The 55th San Francisco International Film Festival started yesterday, Thursday, April 19th and runs through May 3rd. It’s our big deal film festival and so you know you want to be fancy and go because you think you’re all cultured and shit. Never fear, we’ve got reviewers going, so keep checking back to see what rules and what drools. You work hard for the money, we don’t want you spending it on crap! SF Appeal CARES.