American Reunion – Everywhere
If you enjoyed the other 15 “boy meets pie” flicks, you’ll love this remix of stale “lolz”. Here, I’ll save you a trip to the theater. Rando ugly dude: “OMG SUCK MY DICK!” Rando hot-ish girl: “No way, you’re gross!” while sucking his dick. Stiffler fucking his mom, or whatever. The end!
Goon – Embarcadero
If you’re looking for goofy, raunchy comedy with Seann William Scott and Eugene Levy this weekend, skip American Reunion and see this instead! It looks stupid, and I mean that in the best way possible. Seann William Scott plays a dude who’s really good at punching out people and so he’s recruited to play professional hockey. Of course! Anyway, looks funny and terrible and I’ll see you there!
Titanic 3D – Everywhere
Take a trip back to that fateful day in 1997 when this turd collided with a megaplex near you–now made even crappier with 3D! Nah, I’m just joshing you, it’s not so bad–just huge and stupid, and I mean that in the worst way possible. Of course, in 3D, you can reach out and knock characters you don’t like or pretend you’re grabbing DiCaprio’s junk or whatever shenanigans you want to get into. But seriously, don’t let your teen daughters go to this, we can’t have another generation of young women growing up whose deepest cinematic desires are now sated with a Nicholas Sparks film adaptation. Seriously, I blame Titanic for so much. Including this bruise on my thigh and my weight issues. Done and done!