It’s kind of odd to celebrate a disaster that killed over 1,500 people, but it seems like people are kind of excited about the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic! James Cameron took the opportunity to go back to his seemingly endless well, which is now in Super 3D!, and there are anniversary parties this weekend that may or may not end with people falling to their deaths into freezing cold water; (depends on the class of ticket you buy).

Television isn’t letting the event go by without notice. We’ll get to the biggie on Saturday, but tonight you can watch the documentary special “Save the Titanic,” featuring Bob Ballard, on the National Geographic Channel at 10 P.M. (Although: Spoiler alert! They don’t actually save it.)

Speaking of disasters (SORRY), Shannen Doherty is back, looking a tad scary–though she swears she’s no longer the scary person she used to be–in “Shannen Says,” a reality series about her getting married…Oh, for fuck’s sake. Unless Dylan shows up to put a stop to this obvious publicity stunt of a marriage, I don’t think I can bear to look. Tuesday, April 10th, at 10 P.M. on WEtv.

Aaaaand speaking of (supposedly reformed) bitches! On Wednesday April 11th, ABC is premiering a new comedy to fill the void left by “Happy Endings” and its season finale. “Don’t Trust the B—- In Apartment 23” stars Krysten Ritter as the “b,” Dreama Walker as her naive roommate, and James Van Der Beek as James Van Der Beek. Sounds a little like “2 Broke Girls,” except with more James Van Der Beek, but you know what? I’m going to watch it anyway, because I DON’T think we have reached a point of labia saturation on television yet. 9:30 P.M. on ABC.

Which leads us to something completely different, and your edifying pick for the week. It’s “Independent Lens'” presentation of When the Drum Is Beating, a documentary that looks at the often triumphant, often insane, and often tragic history of Haiti. Thursday, April 12th, at 11 P.M. on KQED.

This Friday is the second of three Friday the 13ths this year, (all 13 weeks apart!), and yet no network seemed fit to air a Friday the 13th movie marathon. What is wrong with people?! Well, at least the first two movies are available on Netflix Instant. Guess I know what I’ll be doing tonight!

At last, we have Saturday, April 14th, and a different kind of slaughter. The miniseries Titanic, which comes from “Downtown Abbey” scribe Julian Fellowes, is basically the story of the people on the Titanic who weren’t having sex in cars and self-proclaiming monarchical rule while riding on the bow of the ship. You know, the poors! But let’s face it. Fellowes isn’t stretching here. It’s “Downton Abbey” on a boat. And I’m going to watch every goddamn minute of it! Even with ABC’s weird presentation, which means three hours on Saturday, starting at 8 P.M., and one hour on Sunday, starting at 9 P.M.

Sunday, April 15th, brings us more vaginas, and I while I’m tempted to say SUCK IT, haters, that would be gross. So, how about you just WATCH it, haters? Because the new HBO series “Girls” looks pretty great. It’s from creator Lena Dunham, who also wrote, directed, and starred in the similar indie hit Tiny Furniture, and if you liked that, you’re going to love this. 10:30 P.M. on HBO.

But, if you’re really and truly sick and tired of all that lady humor and vagina talk, Sunday also brings the series premiere of “NYC 22,” a new cop drama from writer Richard Price. But I warn you. While it’s about tough guy things like guns and gangsters, it also co-stars a WOMAN, as a COP, and I can’t promise you there won’t be any discussion of lady parts, since that’s the only thing we like to talk about and all. 10 P.M. on CBS.

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the author

Rain Jokinen watches a lot of television and movies and then writes things about them on the Internet. She's a San Francisco native, and yeah, she'll rub that fact in your face any chance she gets.

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