Act of Valor – Everywhere
It’s a two hour long army recruitment video that you have to pay to see! It looks about as good as any shitty Hollywood war movie, with the addition of being propaganda. Why can’t they make propaganda movies for things I enjoy, like delicious fattening snacks? Oh wait, I guess that’s commercials. America, we fucked.
Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds – Everywhere
Directed, acted, written, second assistant directed, key-gripped, and craft-serviced by Tyler Perry. That’s about all you need to know.
Wanderlust – Everywhere
David Wain’s very precious-looking new comedy starring Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston as a typical New York power couple who get marooned at some hippie commune (please see: nudist corn-shucking, group hot-tubbing, weed butter-churning, etc.) where they learn valuable lessons about how to not be a typical New York power couple. It looks ALRIGHT but what I’m really looking for in a Wain/Rudd partnership is just Paul Rudd’s character from Wet Hot American Summer ad libbing about boners and making out with hot chicks for 90 minutes. Now that’s entertainment!
Gone – Everywhere
Mediocre-to-poor abduction thriller starring Amanda Seyfried’s hair and boobs. Looks ridonkulous. Cannot recommend.
Khodorkovsky – Embarcadero
Confusing, exciting documentary that tells a real-life political thriller/Russian riches-to-rags tale. Desperately in need of more subtitles because you can’t understand shit even when they’re speaking English. According to my snob boyfriend, the much-touted animated sequences look cheap, but what the fuck does he know? Except for his taste in women, which is beyond reproach and very sexxxy.
84th Academy Awards Live at the Balboa Theater! – Balboa
Watch the Oscars with a bunch of your new best friends! Arrive early for the red carpet because that’s the only part you don’t want to sleep through. The rest is just the movie industry masturbating all over each other for a million hours. Sexy?
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