The Woman in Black – Everywhere
Harry Potter living in Disney’s Haunted Mansion. Ooooh spooky! Sort him into Gryffindor! Look out for Voldemort! Jelly Beans that taste like boogers! Boo!
Chronicle – Everywhere
I can’t believe I’m about to type this but: It’s a more realistic X-Men. Three high school boys develop super powers and then one of them goes batshit and starts murdering player haters and what not. It looks gimmicky, but also, creepy and interesting. Power corrupts, people. Well, at least that’s what they say, the closest I’ve ever been to power is being first in line for the iPhone 4. OH HOW THEY GROVELED!
Big Miracle – Everywhere
Drew Barrymore’s smile saves some whales. I’ll see it, that b’s grin lights up my life. Plus, who doesn’t love whales? In fact, I think the working title for this movie was, Everybody Loves Whales, but then they realized they actually wanted to see the movie, so they changed it. Although, I kinda wish Big Miracle was about a really fat lady giving birth to five other fat ladies, one of whom is Jesus. BIG MIRACLE!
Carol Channing: Larger Than Life – Lumiere
It’s Carol Channing’s porn film. PORN? When did I do PORN? Sorry, no, that’s just my fantasy, this is actually a documentary about that fine piece of triple-threat ass. She’s four thousand years old, looks twice that, and could probably still beat us all in a game of arm wrestling. That’s entertainment!
Want more news, sent to your inbox every day? Then how about subscribing to our email newsletter? Here’s why we think you should. Come on, give it a try.
