The Darkest Hour – Everywhere
It’s about a group of hot young thangs who find themselves dropped into Moscow on the wake of an alien attack. Sounds plausible. NOT! If you’re gonna make a movie like this, for the love of all that is Hollywood, please at least make it entertaining. I think most movie viewers will forgive A LOT if that film makes you forget, if but a moment, that you just ate a $50 extra-large extra-butter popcorn. Anyway, don’t see this unless you want an aerial tour of Moscow’s architecture after an alien attack, which is not much unlike how Moscow always looks so, yeah. Virtually tour Moscow in The Darkest Hour!
The Devil Inside – Everywhere
Somewhat-hilarious horror film with the tagline, “Many have been possessed by one; only one has been possessed by many.” WHAT?! Yes, it’s about an old woman who’s possessed by not one, but FOUR DEMONS. Dios Mio! This has the potential to become a classic but in the way Showgirls is a classic. So, what I’m trying to say is, totally see this in a theater in the part of town where you can laugh at all the funny things people scream at the screen. I’ll be the one in the back row screaming, “WHITE GIRL, TURN AROUND! SHIT!”
The Conquest – Lumiere
If you’re like anyone I know, you love to be scandalized by Nicolas Sarkozy, that little weasel of a French president. If you’re familiar with his story, this dramatic retelling will leave you clutching your pearls and screaming, “Sarcozy, you sick bastard!” It’s a wild ride. If you have no idea what I’m talking about and are seeing this film in hopes of gleaning information about how French politics work, you’ll just be all, “Why am I watching this telenovela in French?” Steer clear!