Extremely Loud and Incredibly CloseEverywhere
Somewhat moving, ultimately cheesy/maudlin movie about a boy’s confusion and heartbreak over his father’s death on 9/11. Filled with fake emotions and goofy tweeness, it probably should’ve been left on the page but I understand when that sweet Hollywood money comes calling, it’s easy to fall apart. I’d literally (LITERALLY) cut off all my limbs and roll over a pile of dead nuns to write a Juicy Fruit commercial, so I can’t blame Safran-Foer. Also, I’m really sorry for that image but I need you to understand how desperate I am to have my work sold.

Underworld: Awakening 3DEverywhere
Old Skinny Kate Beckinsale in a leather catsuit and matching cape kicking ass, although she’s so emaciated and feeble-looking it’s hard to believe she can lift her own head, let alone perform running air kicks that take down enormous dudes. I’m all for geriatrics pretending to be preteen but this is a little ridiculous. I feel like we’re watching the fall of an actress who could been great but decided that she didn’t give a shit about acting and just wanted the world to tell her that she looks good in a leather catsuit and matching cape. Kate, your old ass looks good in a leather catsuit and matching cape.

A Soderbergh edge-of-your-seats action-spy-thriller starring Gina Carano (a lady MMA champion who does her own stunts!) and Michael Fassbender. The price of admission is worth it just to see Carano convincingly pulverise guys three times her size. Plus, Michael Fassbender looking so fione. My lord!

Red TailsEverywhere
An easy morals movie about the Tuskegee airmen. This is why Hollywood should never be allowed to tackle a real subject, because it makes shit that’s more ridiculous than Kate Beckinsdale in a leather catsuit and matching cape.

A SeparationEmbarcadero
Winner of the Golden Globe for Best Foreign Film, A Separation is a Hitchcockian thriller whodunit about the dissolution of a marriage in contemporary Iran. It’s apparently amazing and we all have to see it so that we can remain the smartest people in all conversations.

Addiction IncorporatedLumiere
A documentary about how bad it is to smoke and how evil the tobacco industry is. WE GET IT, WE GET IT. If there’s one American left who doesn’t understand how bad smoking is for you, I’ll eat my pack of cigarettes.

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