One for the Money – Everywhere
Katherine Heigl with brown hair, an orange face, and a terrible fake Jersey accent. In this ridiculous action rom com, she plays an out of work woman who finally lands a job as a bounty hunter. Naturally. Everyone in the movie is playing some stock Hollywood character, and her family could’ve easily been all played by Eddie Murphy. In fact, just re-cast the whole film with Eddie Murphy and at least it’d be gloriously awful — this shit is just bo-ring. That said, I’d give up the ability to see and both my legs to write this insane drivel. Please, Hollywood, give me a shot.
The Grey – Everywhere
It’s Alive starring Liam Neeson and a bunch of wolves. You know what? You go to Alaska? You forfeit your right not to be eaten by wolves. Also, your local politics are dominated by the moose and bear parties, which are run by actual moose and bears. That’s about all this San Franciscan knows about Alaska, and she’s sticking with it! Sarah Palin! Northern Exposure!
Listen, don’t be flying over the Alaska if you haven’t already become friends with death. It’s like how if you go into the ocean, you’re basically ringing a dinner bell for sharks. THE WILDERNESS AND ALSO THE OCEANS ARE NOT FOR US. Also, if we want to be real about things, hardly any humans have been killed by wolves but MILLIONS of wolves have been killed by humans. A real horror film would be something told from the wolves p.o.v. Actually, this makes me mad because now people are gonna be all scared of wolves when really, humans are the bad guys! Fuck this movie up the butt and around the corner.
Declaration of War – Lumiere
It’s a bit precious, what with the lead characters being named “Romeo” and “Juliette,” and with the Frenchies all being French, but the story about two people raising a toddler with brain cancer, is very moving and touching and connects you with your humanity and etc. It’s hard to make a movie about a kid with brain cancer into something that doesn’t make you want to slit your wrists, and this film did that. So… bravo?