A Dangerous MethodOpera Plaza
Oh, hell yes. This movie is about how Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud both try and fail to “save” some “crazy” young woman, and instead end up just doing it with her. Historical porn-y romance starring Michael Fassbender and Viggo Mortensen. This is the stuff that ladies love — if Playgirl published things like this, they might still be around today. You see, Playgirl‘s problem was that they were making a magazine for gay men, while still refusing to acknowledge that. What women want is Michael Fassbender in disheveled period garb talking about how we need to eat more chocolate. Ladies, am I right?? Kind-of?? Ryan says it’s not that hot.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of ShadowsEverywhere
I’m calling it: Robert Downey, Jr. is the new Johnny Depp. It’s getting to a point where I just want to see him act normal in a movie. Like, play a dad who doesn’t have a speech impediment or a fake mustache or who loves to be in black face. Is that too much to ask?? Anyway, if you like the first shitty Sherlock Holmes movie, you’ll probably be into this shitty Sherlock Holmes movie. If you didn’t, just rent the BBC series because it’s so damn good. Watson has an iPhone! Just like me! These are characters I can relate to. Also, let it be known, I am still waiting for someone to make a film about a down on his luck detective, Sherlock Homeless. The sequel is the flamboyantly fabulous Sherlock Homosexual. I’m serious, these ideas have steam.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: ChipwreckedEverywhere
Watching these movies could be classified as actual torture, but young idiots love them, and my niece is a young idiot, so I know I’ll have to endure it at least once this holiday season. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ME.

Tinker Tailor Soldier SpyLumiere
It’s an international thriller about a disgraced British spy that’s set during the Cold War. Of course, there’s lots of double agent working for the Soviets shit because it’s about the Cold War and that’s all we really care to learn about the Cold War. This ain’t the history channel, we don’t want to hear about the devestating reality of things. We just want spies spying! The problem? The spy is overacted by the old and not hot Gary Oldman. Couldn’t we get someone young and hot in here? Like say, Michael Fassbender. FASSBENDER FOR PRESIDENT! Of my vagina! And also, THE WORLD!

Being Elmo: A Puppeteers JourneyOpera Plaza
I’d normally think a documentary about a grown man who wants to be a puppet might be depressing and/or grossly sexual, but this is actually very inspiring and amazing! Everyone see it! Also, think about the unlimited power this man wields as Elmo. He could take over the world, fueled by children’s blind adoration of Elmo. And then, when the kids get older, he can use his puppet abilities to control them and wield unforseen authority. We’ll have a real puppet government! The most adorable kind of government! I’m ready, let it begin.

Want more news, sent to your inbox every day? Then how about subscribing to our email newsletter? Here’s why we think you should. Come on, give it a try.

the author

I love animals and food!

Please make sure your comment adheres to our comment policy. If it doesn't, it may be deleted. Repeat violations may cause us to revoke your commenting privileges. No one wants that!