Starring Everybody’s Favorite New Crush, the extremely delicious Michael Fassbender (Magneto in X Men: Muppet Babies!), it’s a character study in what drives a sex-addicted egomaniac to be a sex-addicted egomaniac. And it ain’t pretty! Except for the whole Michael Fassbender part (Hi, I love you, let’s do it). I guess this could also be called, “An Inside Look At Every Man You Dated in Your 20’s.”
Recommended for: people who enjoy Fine Pieces of Ass, people who hate plot, sex-addicts and the idiots who love them

The ArtistEmbarcadero
A silent film about the fall of 1920’s silent film superstar George Valentin, which coincides with the rise to fame of his previously unknown mistress. It’s getting an overwhelmingly positive critical reception (even from Rain, here’s her review), except for a few lone wolves who claim true-blue silent film lovers won’t be impressed with this watered-down knock-off. However, how many people are legitimate silent movie fans? And I’m talking about people who are still alive. Maybe this movie will cause a whole new generation of whippersnappers to appreciate the silent film? Or maybe they’ll keep watching X Men Rise of the Clones in 3D Smell-o-vision?Only time will tell! (Hint: the talkie wins.)
Recommended for: “cultured” folks, ESL (we all speak the language of film when it’s silent!)

Seducing Charlie BarkerOpera Plaza
First off, Daphne Zuniga from Melrose Place and Spaceballs in it. Hey, girl! Other than that, it’s notable because it’s a local production, with many S.F. Bay Area stage actors taking leading rolls. It’s not like, the best film, but we gotta support our people, ya know? If we don’t, Hollywood will get to make all the movies! Even movies ABOUT US shot with OUR STAGE ACTORS. Then it’ll be all people driving over the Golden Gate Bridge to get to Oakland, and kids shopping in Union Square before walking the half-block to Danny Tanner’s house. We cannot have that! I mean, look at The Room, do we want another disaster like that? Ugh, you’re right, we totally do. Hollywood wins again!
Recommended for: Local theater buffs, Daphne Zuniga fans

The Man Nobody Knew: In Search of My Father, William ColbyLumiere
An Inside Baseball look at American foreign policy and CIA involvement, this documentary will have you sweating balls and taking notes. The documentarian looks at his father, William Colby, the head of the CIA from 1973-1976, through the harsh lens of reality and it’s uncomfortable and fascinating. Also, it’s the reason I’m never having children. You expend hundreds of thousands of dollars raising them and how do they repay you? The little assholes make damning documentaries about your crimes against humanity. Forget that!
Recommended for: Fans of Inside Baseball, wonks, conspiracy theorists, your dad

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