The Twilight Saga: Breaking DawnEverywhere
“A billion teenage girls can’t be wrong!” – Said nobody ever. They’ll be more child predators in the audience than NAMBLA members at a Justin Bieber concert. I’m gonna be honest with you, I’m a grown-ass woman, and I know next to nothing about Twilight. Say what you will about me, but please ALWAYS SAY THAT, TOO. Do I need to add anything else? We all know what we’re dealing with here. Just remember, Daughters of America, don’t have premarital sex or you’re gonna die giving birth to the devil.

Happy Feet 2Everywhere
Sequel to Happy Feet, the 2006 hit starring a bunch of animated Triple Threat penguins. The original was well received and kids apparently love it, but this one is supposed to be not nearly as charming and ten times as obnoxious. If your child really want to see it, I suggest blindfolding them, walking them in a circle, and then sitting them down to the original in the comfort of your own home theater. If that fails, just throw a blanket over its face until it falls asleep. Tomorrow is a new day!

The Other F WordLumiere
It’s a documentary about famous punk rock fathers* because being there for your kid is super punk rock! I enjoy shit like this, where nerdy things nerdily try to not be nerdy but are too nerdy to succeed, like when teachers rap (“Get out your books and turn to page 44! Staying in school is so hardcore!”) and that whole, “This is Your Brain on Drugs” ad campaign from the 90’s. Like, “OK, nerds.” Back to the review! Original footage of the men (and that dude from Blink182!) going insane on stage back is juxtaposed with them as present day fat dads. It’s part inspiring and part ridiculous, and I think if you’re way into the scene, you’ll REALLY enjoy it, and if not, you’ll just partially enjoy it, and probably be incredibly bored for long stretches.

Young Goethe in LoveEmbarcadero
It’s a German rom-com about the events that led Johann Wolfgang von Goethe to write the “The Sorrows of Young Werther.” Alexander Fehling, who plays Goethe, is just too delightful, I want to keep him as a pet. In fact, in WWII had gone the way I wanted it to, that’s exactly what you’d be able to do with Germans today! It’s really just a campy fling of a flick, but because it’s in German, the jokes sound more like, “HEIL HITLER” than, “budamBUMP!” If you’re willing to let that go, it’s pretty cute and involves reading so take a date you want to impress. I’d say, “panties dropping!” but all that talking in German, ye gads.

*Get it, the other F word? Although, I believe Feminists coined that awhile ago, too. Right, bitches?

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