My Week With MarilynEverywhere
Some idiot spends a week with Marilyn Monroe and thinks they’re gonna like… get married? Dude, read a paper! Not gonna happen! That’s like getting with me and thinking I’m not gonna eat all your Doritos. Idiot! It looks pretty stupid but Americans (and Saudi Princes) are obsessed with Ol’ Sweet Tits (my new nickname for her! It’s a play off Ol’ Blue Eyes. I think it could stick!) so it’ll probably do fairly well. Michelle Williams plays Ol’ Sweet Tits and looks just like her. I think. I’m not sure, my main idea of how Ol’ Sweet Tits looks is from drag queen impersonators. Rain was not a fan, here’s her review.

Arthur ChristmasEverywhere
It’s a 3D, CG-animated family comedy all about how Christmas is a gross commercial holiday that also celebrates Christmas. Tacking complicated issues, adorably! That’s how to best sum up this movie. If you need a kids flick that won’t make you blow your brains out with boredom (it’s powerful stuff!), do it to it.

The MuppetsEverywhere
It’s so great, you’ll appreciate it even while sober. How often do I say that?? I don’t think I’ve ever said that! The muppets are ADORABLE and even though they look like they smell, I still want to roll around in a big pile of ’em.

Like CrazyEverywhere
It’s about two hot young thangs who want to be together but can’t because one is British and the other is American. The British girl decides to overstay her visa so they can keep doing sex, but then she gets in trouble, because you DO NOT FUCK WITH THE INS. It’s like Romeo and Juliet and stupidity is what’s keeping them apart. Melodramatic and moody, if you wanna watch people with no real problems pretend to have problems, you’ll enjoy it!

Martin Scorsese tries his hand at directing a 3D kids fantasy film made for adults. Scorsese in 3D, now you’ve seen it all! Kids films for adults are all the rage, right? It’s supposed to be very watchable so if you want to see the first decent film he’s made since the Raging Bull, take the whole family!

This movie looks sweet and touching and sad and wonderful. It’s like Boys Don’t Cry but younger and without being the super saddest movie in the world. GOD THAT MOVIE IS SO FUCKING SAD. If you want to be touched deep in your cold, cold heart, run, don’t walk! Actually, don’t run, last night’s dinner might not stay down THANKSGIVING AM I RIGHT?

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