J. Edgar – Everywhere
Clint Eastwood’s J. Edgar Hoover biopic, starring Leonardo DiCaprio as Gentleman Johnny. I think that sentence tells you everything you need to know about the film: It’s sprawling, it’s wooden, it’s boring, it’s “epic”. I’ve heard people (who?! People, OK??) say that DiCaprio is an odd choice for the role, but not really when you take into consideration a few things: 1) It’s HOLLYWOOD, like they’re really gonna cast someone appropriate? In Hollywood, DiCaprio is considered one of the more respectable, distinguished actors. I KNOW, right? Anyway, it’s almost inevitable when you consider Hollywood Logic. 2) DiCaprio loves to play severely damaged men with enormous egos. Feigned surprise! And finally, 3) You KNOW Big Di was all, “I need to gain some weight? WHERE DO I SIGN UP?” Boyfriend plopped down on that couch with a bucket of Ben & Jerry’s faster than a Cathy cartoon.
Jack and Jill – Everywhere
Recently, I was in Los Angeles, and I saw this poster for Jack and Jill. I seriously just assumed that it was a rom-com starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston. It took me about five more viewings of the poster (this happened in two minutes, as that’s all L.A. is, enormous movie posters and People with A Dream) to realize that boy, was I wrong! It’s a brother/sister buddy comedy starring Adam Sandler as both Jack AND Jill. I don’t know what to say, really. I don’t even know what drug to recommend you be on while watching this… maybe Ambien? But then what if you woke up??
Immortals – Everywhere
From Tarsem Singh, the guy who directed The Fall, one of the most beautiful, most insane, most kinda-boringest films of our time. This time he’s back and he’s busted all his nuts to bring you some seriously ridiculous shit. This film suffers and succeeds on a much grander scale than his previous effort — he’s got a big name cast, an enormous budget, and a “LET’S DO THIS AHHHH!!!” attitude. If you desire a plot that makes sense, you will not enjoy this. If you want to see a trashy, mish-mashed ancient myth with some stunning visuals, you definitely want to see it on the big screen. Even better when high as a kite.
Melancholia – Embarcadero
As a rogue planet, Melancholia, makes directly for Earth, we see a new bride completely destroy her life. Lars von Trier’s latest is a study in lady depression, focused through the lens of an apocalypse. The film includes about the same amount of naked white woman as any LvT enterprise, but hey, at least he mixes it up with a few special effects? I don’t know, if you like Lars von Trier, you’d probably wet your pants if he… wet his pants on you? And if you dislike Lars von Trier, then you’ll be bored, pained, bored, repulsed, more bored, confused, and eye-rolly. You’ll also continue to wonder what kind of world we live in when this is the successful alternative to Hollywood blockbusters. Perhaps one that I wouldn’t mind Melancholia, the planet, eviscerating? SO DEEP.
Le Havre – Clay
A delightful Finnish deadpan buddy comedy, about a sage-like shoeshiner and a refugee boy. Like, nothing about that sentence could possibly make you want to see this movie, but you should, because it’s extremely charming and heart-warming, in a non-cloying way. Take a date you want to impress, and panties will be dropping! Moms would like it, too.
El Bulli: Cooking In Progress – Embarcadero
Documentary about El Bulli, the Spanish restaurant that’s considered by many to be the most influential restaurant in the world. Like, if you talk to any of the many S.F. chefs who think they’re doing God’s Work, I can almost guarantee they spent a summer biking around Spain and interning at El Bulli. That’s how you get chef street cred. The LAMEST street cred. Seriously, I’m done with this celebrity culture surrounding chefs, just cook my damn food and stop thinking you’re an artist. (I reserve the right to retract that statement the next time I eat something mind-blowing.)