Paranormal Activity 3Everywhere
It’s a prequel to the house that Twitter built. Seriously, whoever markets these film should be teaching master classes at Oxford. KUDOS TO YOU, SIR AND/OR MADAM. As for the actual films, I guess they’re kinda scary? This is me watching them: I’m bored, I’m bored, Oooh! Pringles!, I’m bored, I’m bored, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?!?!, I’m bored. Screw it, I think that’s good enough — this is the film of the week!

Johnny English RebornEverywhere
Oh, this one is easy! See it if you love Rowan Atkinson very very much, and if you don’t, do not see it.

The Skin I Live InEverywhere
A man tries to bring the image of his dead wife back to life by building her face on top of another chick’s face. Healthy! It’s over the top Almodóvar, almost as if the filmmaker is making a parody of his own work. It’s also super fucking creepy. Me thinks many male film critics will call it sensual and brooding, but that’s because they’re total old man creepazoids.

Margin CallEverywhere
Kevin Spacey at his skeeviest best, as a glorified salesman who helps to ensure the total collapse of Wall Street during the financial meltdown of 2008. Money is a cruel mistress, you guys! It’s a tense, sad, and Very Serious film about the importance of few, and the relative worthlessness of many. After you watch it, you can either head straight to Occupy SF or to bomb a bank. Different strokes!

Hell and Back AgainLumiere
Super intense documentary that follows a young soldier’s readjustment to life in small town America after being seriously wounded in Afghanistan. It’s especially interesting/devastating to see that the actual hell of war shrinks in comparison to trying to live a normal life upon return. Totally fucking heartbreaking, and should be mandatory watching for every American. In fact, I think everyone in the current and former executive or legislative branches of our government should be tied to chairs, Clockwork Orange-style, and forced to watch this on repeat FOREVER.

The Women on the 6th FloorClay
A rich but lonely man befriends his poor but happy servants in this skin-deep comedy (?) about social standings in 1960’s France. Because, you know, it’s so much better to be a Simple Penniless Happy than Scrooge McDuck.

The Three MusketeersEverywhere
Probably profitable, definitely terrible. Hollywood in a nutshell! Wasn’t Orlando Bloom so full of promise once? Now he’s just some K.D. Lang looking motherfucker who only stars in the distinct genre of Crappy Fantasy Films Set in a Fake Past. I mean, if you’re gonna go that route, and it’s a valid one, you first need to establish your value so that you can get PAID$$$, ala Johnny Depp. Then, you can just buy your entire wardrobe from the touring company of Oliver, stop showering, and refuse to act like an actual human being in a movie — and still go home to your hot French model wife and fuck on top of your piles of money CHA-CHING$$$.

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