The Ides of March – Everywhere
Clooney is running for president, and Gosling is his slick dick campaign manager. Corruption happens, and there is a race to cover up some indiscretions. I imagine this is what it would be like if Clooney actually ran for office (Rain agrees, here’s her review). Suave and cocky as he is, Clooney could totally be a politician. However, his penchant for dating 12-year-old waitresses might get him into a little trouble. But maybe not! Is Clooney the next Clinton?? I’m calling it!
Recommended for fans of Old Sexy and Young Sexy (How I’m now referring to Clooney and Gosling), wonks, wonkettes, grandpas.
Take Shelter – Everywhere
About a man living a quiet life in small town Ohio when he starts to see some seriously effed shit. Crazy tunnels of clouds and flocks of starlings in odd formations. The freakiest part is, nobody else can see them. Is he a visionary prophet? Or a paranoid schizophrenic in desperate need of medication? Only time, and this scary-ass movie, will tell!
Recommended for: suspense fans, people who enjoy upsetting their ulcers, Ohioans. Not recommended for: paranoid schizophrenics.
Real Steel – Everywhere
In the not-so-distant future, a washed-up prize-fighter bonds with his son by building robots to compete in robot boxing. It actually sounds kind-of amazing.
Recommended for: people on any kind of drugs but especially hallucinogens, those who enjoy robot beat downs, estranged fathers and their troubled sons.
Dream House – Everywhere
Daniel Craig is crazy and living in a murder house. He tries to go all James Bond on the house but oops! He’s not James Bond. Daniel Craig: 0, Murder House 1.
Recommended for: people who’ve always wanted to see James Bond fail, people who want to watch Event Horizon but without all the good parts.
The Human Centipede 2 – Bridge, Sat. & Sun. midnight showings
Several adventurous youngsters enter into a fun experiment with a wacky but brilliant doctor. Don’t see it if you have ears, eyes, or a gag reflex. However, if you need to fit into your wedding dress in a couple weeks, this film’s a winner! Actually, I’m pretty sure this film alone could completely halt the sales of gastric bypass in America.
Recommended for: families, those looking for thinspiration.
1911 – Opera Plaza
A boring Jackie Chan movie about the 1911 Chinese Revolution. I don’t know how I managed to fit all those words into the same sentence. I mean, “boring” and “Jackie Chan”? “Jacking Chan” and “1911 Chinese Revolution”? The mind boggles!
Recommended for: people who enjoy movies that are more boring than watching the History channel. THE HISTORY CHANNEL.
Weekend – Embarcadero
European dudes meet, fall in love, and show you just how bad the British dental system is in great detail.
Recommended for: people who don’t know that porn is free online, middle-aged women.