What’s Your Number?Everywhere
If loving Anna Faris is wrong, then I guess I’m one bad bitch because I can’t get enough. Sure, I wish she didn’t have to be pretty much naked on screen to get shit done and I also wish she could be in truly hilarious movies because I think she’s truly hilarious, but that’s just not how things work in Hollywood. Everything is wrong and I know she’s working with what she has, which is a tight ass and good comic timing. Ugh, I hate myself for typing that last sentence but let’s be honest about things! Anyway, this movie is about a young woman who decides that she’s already slept with enough men so she must go back and mine her exes for the love of her life. Of course, she ends up falling for the one man she’s not supposed to, her relationship-challenged next door neighborhood, played by some generic Ken Doll-looking motherfucker. Anyway, good cameos from funny people help the movie to not fully suck. I’ll pay to see it because I want to support Women in Comedy, but I acknowledge that it’s completely mediocre. Oh well, I hope a bunch of teenage boys buy tickets so Faris can still be in movies!

It’s almost the exact same film as Funny People! Except in this one Seth Rogen plays cancer-ridden Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s best friend instead of cancer-ridden Adam Sandler’s assistant. It’s mildly funny and extremely heart warming, you’re either nodding your head and chuckling or you’re reaching for your hanky. It’s really the only kind of “comedy” that the Academy will acknowledge with a bunch of nominations. These movies are fine and all but since when is Billy Madison not good enough for the gold (painted) statuette!? Straight lolz comedy is a lot harder to create and perform than this sentimental schlock. Whatever, everyone go high five Seth Rogen for officially growing up.

Machine Gun PreacherEverywhere
A former heroin-shooting biker-gang psychotic finds the lord and is righteously saved AMEN! Naturally, he then heads to South Sudan to save all the poor Africans. Oh, good grief! It’s about as ridiculous, condescending, and foul as it sounds. If I have to watch another movie about white saviors, I’m gonna cut off a toe. But then I’d be toeless in like two days. Ugh, I don’t know how to properly protest this so I’ll just move on.

Tucker & Dale Vs. EvilLumiere
It’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets Ernest Goes to Camp and it’s pretty bloody great. A group of popped-collar coeds head to an Appalachian* lake house for a relaxing weekend of binge drinking and dating raping. When they arrive, they stumble upon two Deliverance-style hicks who are living–and most likely serial killing–in a terrifying cabin nearby. When the coeds think the scary hicks kidnapped one of their ladies, they set out to free her. However, it turns out the hicks are actually just a couple of sweet doofuses (doofusi?) who are in the woods to fix up their country cabin. And they didn’t kidnap the girl, they actually bravely rescued her from drowning and took her to their cabin to recover. The comedy of errors continues when the cocky coeds embark on a series of failed attempts to save the girl, during which they each horrifically and hysterically meet their accidental demise. I love when a story is turned on its head, and this one is extra good times.

The Mill and the CrossEmbarcadero
In The Mill and the Cross, director/crazy person Lech Majewski transforms the 1564 Pieter Bruegel painting, The Way To Calvary, to complete, vivid life. Yes, we actually go inside the painting. Damn, the future is awesome! It’s visually stunning, with a combination of CGI and live action that’s truly unique in its use, and fascinating to behold. You might also think it boring-as-hell if you’re not into the magic! of the cinema! Like, if you believe the best (only?) reason to attend the movies is to be entertained, then you should see pretty much anything else this weekend.

*There is no creepier woods, except for most of Oregon. Shudder.

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