John Singleton directs the wereboy from Twilight in a thriller about child abduction. I don’t even know. I think they’re counting on Team Jacob and his pack of denim cut-off wearing sycophants to fill the audience. But how many tweens are gonna see a thriller about child abduction? They’re too busy dry humping to the Breaking Dawn previews. Also, WTF John Singleton? I think I might go get that Tumblr name right now and just populate it with stills from the movie. Book deal, here I come!

This movie has Brad Pitt, The Oakland A’s, and Jonah Hill before he was just a scarecrow draped with loose skin. It follows the tale of A’s former General Manager Billy Beane who cracked the code and made a rag tag bunch of misfits into a real contender. Kinda like Major League but worse because that movie is the best movie ever made. It’s one of those great sports movies where you’re all pumped on the under dog coming from behind and making it happen and it’s all magical and wonderful. However, we know that fairytale doesn’t last long because the A’s go back to sucking ass pretty quickly and then all the info about the (ALLEGED) (read: confirmed) drug use of the entire team and then Jose Canseco impregnated Mark McGuire or something. The shit hit the fan. Nothing good lasts forever! Rain thought it was OK.

Killer EliteEverywhere
Jason Statham jumping through windows to Rock You Like a Hurricane. Mediocre spy thriller with lots of beat downs, big guns, and babes in bikinis. Rent a Bourne movie and read Maxim simultaneously for a less expensive, superior experience. Rain thought it blew.

Dolphin TaleEverywhere
A dolphin in captivity and a magical negro* help save a bunch of white people. Fun for the whole family! I’d probably see it if it starred Owen Wilson.

My Afternoons with MargueritteEmbarcadero
Gerard Depardieu looking like Chris Farley (RIP), befriending old ladies and learning valuable life lessons. Slowly. Very slowly. Honestly, the only thing I want to watch Gerard Depardieu doing is being thrown off a plane. Or spelling his own last name correctly because dammit wtf.

The Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975Embarcadero
If you saw The Help, you should be required to see this documentary at least three times. If you saw The Help and liked it, you should be strapped to a chair, Clockwork Orange-style and be forced to watch this until your eyeballs literally bleed. Reading Malcom X’s biography is not a full lesson in the black power movement, and in light of the recent unjust execution of Troy Davis, it’s more important than ever we learn history correctly. Watch this, get pissed, burn your bra, take to the streets.

Gus Van Sant’s latest is about beautiful people dying. Like a good episode of Grey’s Anatomy, it’ll manipulate you into crying an insane amount but not in a satisfying way. Well, I guess it’s kinda satisfying. Anyway, if you want to cry a lot this weekend, go see it.

Jane Goodall Live (Kind-of)Century 9, Tuesday only
I don’t totally understand this so I’m just copying from the press release. Just insert some terrible jokes and swear words and it’s like I wrote it! BAM: For the first time ever, famed chimpanzee research pioneer Jane Goodall [LHB: Love her!] will take audiences in select theaters across the country on an incredible journey through the memories of her life when she appears live to answer their pre-submitted questions during this special one night only Fathom event. Buy your $15 tickets here!

*Morgan Freeman, the official Most Magical Negro in America (TM)

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