Steven Soderburgh’s supposed last film about an Outbreak-esque disaster, stars all the famous people, including the worst person alive (Paltrow) and also, the best person alive (Winslet). SO TORN! Cool things about this film: Epic disaster films are super great, even (especially?) when they’re terrible; much of it takes place in San Francisco (we’re all famous!); I was totally asked to star in it; and Matt Damon and Kate Winslet are fantastic, adorable, and I would absolutely do it with both at them at the same time if it wouldn’t cause a natural disaster. FROM THE SEXINESS. Bad things about this film: Paltrow. Honestly, I’m thinking the bad outweighs the good. Rain liked it, though she agrees with me on Paltrow.

Bucky Larson: Born to Be a StarEverywhere
It’s like one of those wacky character-driven SNL-movies starring an idiot with a heart of gold who ultimately triumphs. Nick Swarsdon (TERRY!!!) stars as a slow witted-but-lovable (in theory) doofus who discovers that his parents are former adult stars and decides to fulfill his destiny to see his wang on the big screen. I’m just gonna call it: Sleeper hit of the summer.

It’s The Wrestler but instead of an aged-Mickey Rooney, it stars an aged-Nick Nolte. (Who, btw, was born looking aged. Or at least used. Kinda like Melanie Griffith. She musta emerged from the womb rocking hooker boots and smoking a cigarette, know what I’m saying? ANYWAY.) Warrior is one of those films that pretends sports are interesting by weaving them with ridiculously overblown “human drama.” I really hate sports, and I hate these grand sports dramas that are about proving yourself on the ring/court/field. I don’t like that these films make sports — in this case Mixed Martial Arts? WTF!? — into these amazingly worthy goals, when really what they are is just an excuse for men to beat each other up legally, and for profit. I suggest skipping this melodramatic, violent Oscars-fodder bullshit and renting the best movie of all time, The Warriors instead. Can you dig it?

A (purposefully?) terrible horror movie about a rabid alligator-beast who’s coming to get you. It’s not as fun as it could be, but if you like silly-scary movies, you’ll probably enjoy it. The thing is, alligators aren’t all that scary. They’re generally pretty docile and won’t fuck with you unless you do some truly fucked up shit to them. Which humans do on the regular because we suck and are the worst. However, crocodiles. Now, crocodiles are terrifying. They will come after you, they will hunt you down and eat the person you love most right in front of you. They will feel no remorse! They are psychotic. Don’t mess with crocodiles. And with that, I’m off to write Creature 2: Crocodile Dreams

The Man Who Fell to EarthLumiere
David Bowie, at the height of his thin white coke period, is an alien who comes to earth to get water to save his planet but he gets rich and then gets into drugs and sex and loses his way. it’s all very dreamy and surreal and of course, sexy, because David Bowie is a drugged-out sex pot. I believe that this movie is actually a documentary, and that David Bowie really is an alien. Doesn’t it blow your mind that he exists and that we get to walk on the same earth as him? He probably emerged from a space egg, and just wandered the planet until he found another of his species to mate with. I bet every power outage in the world is caused by Iman and Bowie doing it. I don’t know much, but I know some crazy planetary-shifting shit happens because of them. They’re probably the reason Mercury’s in retrograde, and black holes are created when they’re sad. Also, fun fact: DB was supposed to do the soundtrack too, but was too messed up to finish it, so the guy from the Mamas and the Papas had to. Seems like the logical second choice.

Set in modern times, this drama is about two wealthy, privileged, kinda bratty Iranian siblings. A lot of the actual drama is trite and predictable, but the film is interesting for its look into the lives of young Iranians, and the breathtaking cinematography. Also, there’s some girl-on-girl action because even independent films know that sex sells!

Love CrimeClay
You know how you want to murder everyone you work with? This is about actually going through with it! Satisfying. It’s a way darker Working Girl, focusing on the relationship of a backstabbing boss and a naive newbie. Unfortunately, it’s not nearly as entertaining as Working Girl. There’s no bitching Carly Simon anthem, no Joan Cusack wearing coats that weigh more than she does, and no young Alec Baldwin at his dick-ish best. That movie is a fine wine.

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