The Change-Up – Everywhere
Freaky Friday with dongs.
The Help – Everywhere
If there’s one thing Hollywood loves more than the Magical Negro, it’s Easy Morals. And this movie has both! KA-CHING! Based on the popular book of the same name, The Help is about the relationships between white women and their black maids in the 1960’s American South. And dammit if it’s not entertaining as hell. Who doesn’t love to boo and hiss when the mean white lady is mean, and cheer when the sassy black maid feeds her shit pie? Obvious racists, that’s who. But it makes me kinda sad that Viola Davis might win an Academy Award for playing essentially the same role that won Hattie McDaniel hers in 1939. Complicated issues in post-racial America, y’all!
30 Minutes or Less – Everywhere
The premise for this comedy is simple, two con men decide that the best way to get money is to strap a bomb to some poor pizza delivery guy and make him rob a bank for them. It’s based on the true story of some dude who this actually happened to, except his bomb detonated, killing him, and 30 Minutes or Less is a stoner comedy in the vein of Pineapple Express. Hollywood! It stars a few funny guys so I’ll probably
Final Destination 5 3D – Everywhere
These movies must make so much fucking money. You know teenage boys are the only people who see movies, right? Well, this is sex and violence so KA-CHING! We sure know how to raise our boys in this country! Also, can someone hire me to write one of these so I can start sucking from the teat of the money tree? KA-CHING! Rain’s not a teenage boy, but she had a good time, here’s her review.
The Whistleblower – Embarcadero
Rachel Weisz (took me three tries to spell that correctly) stars as an American po po who’s sent to post-war Bosnia as a peacekeeper. Things “Get Real” when she finds out about a prostitution ring, and tries to get help to shut that shit down. Everyone’s all, “JUST DO YOUR JOB, AMERICAN LADY.” and she’s all, “BUT I MUST FIND OUT THE TRUTH.” It’s both a cop thriller, and a lesson about human corruption in a completely devastated society. Also, it’s a little preachy and boring, but I like that because I like to be lectured at and have time to pee and get a fresh Icee!
Point Blank – Embarcadero
A french action thriller about a male nurse (hehe) whose pregnant wife is kidnapped right in front of him. WAY TO GO, IDIOT. The rest of the film is him trying to get her back, but it ain’t gonna be easy! It’s extremely fast paced, and the tension builds to a point where it’s almost unbearable. ALMOST. If you want to get your heart rate up without any of that stupid exercise, check it out!
Salvation Boulevard – Opera Plaza
This comedic satire about religion is apparently pretty awful but it has Marisa Tomei in it so how bad could it be? Love that Marisa Tomei! She just looks like such an awesome weirdo to me, and I cannot understand why she isn’t the most famous person on the planet. IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT.
Grease Sing-a-Long – Castro (Friday, Saturday, Sunday only)
It’s either your idea of heaven or hell, so either get there early or stay the fuck away.
The Glee 3D Concert Movie – Everywhere
So gay that it’ll only do well in the Midwest.
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