The Devil’s DoubleEverywhere
This movie about the body double of Saddam Hussein’s eldest son Uday is part historical drama based loosely in fact, part vulgar slasher film, and part spring break romp. It’s like The Hangover meets Caligula, portraying Uday as a creep so grotesque that even Saddam Hussein thought he was a bit of a monster. Daaaaang, son! If you ever wondered just how raunchy and excessive it was for Iraq’s former ruling family, it’s a very satisfying watch, but if you’re at all sensitive to images of violence, you’ll just stay home and thank your reflection for looking nothing like a member of the Hussein household.

The GuardEverywhere
Racism is adorable when it’s old Irish dudes, am I right or am I right? I’m right and the entire world knows it and so, The Guard was greenlit. Odd couple Don Cheadle — he’s a straightlaced NYC cop — and Brendon Gleeson — he’s a maverick Irish racist cop — are forced to team up in this police procedural set in the Irish country side. It’s funny in the way that they say crass and mean things and it’s supposed to knock us off balance and go, “DID HE JUST SAY THAT?” I feel like it’s actually just 40% funny, and 60% coasting on the charm of their wacky odd couple ways. If you loved Billy Elliot and/or Calendar Girls, get to the theater to see this, if only to get further away from me. I’m disgusted.

Rise of the Planet of the ApesEverywhere
James Franco convincingly stars as a person with a job (lolz) in this return to the apes franchise. I’ve never rooted for the apes to win harder than I do now. Actually, that’s a lie, I always want them to win, humans are the motherfucking worst. We really are, why can’t we be more like gorillas? They are smart, peaceful, and don’t fuck with you unless you fuck with them. And that’s what happens in this movie, we fuck with them and now they’re jumping into our helicopters and crashing landing that shit in a ball of flames. Say it with me: We deserve this. Rain loves animals too, but didn’t love the movie so much.

PianomaniaOpera Plaza
This is a documentary about piano tuning. It was made and you can see it.

Crime After CrimeRoxie
A documentary about a woman in jail for 25 years for her supposed role in the murder of her abusive boyfriend. It skims the surface of truly fucked our judicial system is, and the lives it shatters in its carelessness and cruelty. Liana saw it at the San Francisco International Film Festival and called it a “must-see”, and I must concur. Now I must get on my soap box because I love it and so do you (WHAT?): We, as a society, have to get more pissed off about stuff like this, and I’m about to volunteer and donate to the Prisoner Activist Resource Center so I don’t feel like such a shithead about all the other ways in which I waste my time and money.

Magic Trip: Ken Kesey’s Search for a Kool PlaceEmbarcadero
Crying about not getting a ticket to Burning Man? Watch this instead, and don’t return with syphilis! It’s about emerging from the square 1950s into the wild and crazy world of the 1960s via a cross country bus ride led by One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest author, Ken Kesey. The documentary compiles classic footage and recent interviews, and makes me really, really happy that smell-o-vision isn’t a real thing (YET) because dang: TAKE A SHOWER, Y’ALL.

Sarah’s KeyEmbarcadero
A woman discovers the journal of a young girl who lived in her Parisan house in 1942. You see where this is going, don’t you? NOT GOOD. It’s the equivalent of finding Anne Frank’s diary and then discovering she’s still alive, and then discovering that holy shit, your husband’s family stole the house you are currently living in from her family. NOT GOOD. Ugh, this stuff is just super heartbreaking, but it’s important to watch it over and over again because then when your jeans aren’t fitting right and you’re screaming, “FUCK MY LIFE!!”, you know that truly awful things happen in this world and maybe you just need to buy bigger jeans, heifer.

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I love animals and food!

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