One Day – Everywhere
Anne Hathaway affects an English accent that even Madonna would consider hilarious in this less charming version of When Harry Met Sally. Take a big el pass-o on this stinkeroo!
Fright Night – Everywhere
About as scary as Scream (so, kinda scary), this remake of the 80’s classic is pretty delightful. It’s fun and funny, starring Colin Farrell as the mysterious stranger who moves into a sleepy town and shakes shit up. And by shakes shit up, I mean he’s a vampire and he’s hangry. No True Blood for this guy! I love Colin Farrell, because he is a lover of all women. Tall women, short women, fat women, skinny women — he does not discriminate, he just has to be sticking it in something at all times.
Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D – Everywhere
Robert Rodriguez’s fourth Spy Kids movie includes Ricky Gervais as a dog, Joel McHale as himself, and SMELL-O-VISION. I don’t know. Based on Rodriguez’s track record with these movies, it’ll either be the best or the worst. I’m leaning towards the worst because I don’t like to give Hollywood the benefit of the doubt and again, SMELL-O-VISION.
Conan the Barbarian 3D – Everywhere
Someone get that man a bra! And a last name! Like any exotic dancer, it’s no wonder he’s so filled with rage, he doesn’t have proper support or a sense of self. Anyway, this version stars Khal Drogo as Arnold Schwarzenegger. If you didn’t understand that sentence, then you don’t watch enough TV! Lots of violence, no plot. Really terrible. If you need a dose of Conan, get a ticket to Vegas and just visit the Thunder from Down Under. Rain didn’t like it either, which has already pissed off some commenters! Here’s her review.
Senna – Embarcadero
A documentary about race car driver Ayrton Senna. He was what you’d call, “a character.” Pieced together from old footage of the maniac and his friends/colleagues, this provides a behind the scenes look at something I don’t give a shit about.
Griff the Invisible – Lumiere
Ryan Kwanten (Jason from True Blood!) stars as a sad sack office drone who seeks adventure in the evening hours by pretending to be a superhero*. Never has an undiagnosed psychiatric disorder been so charming or appealing! Also, hearing Kwanten speak in his real Australian accent makes him even more attractive, which I didn’t think possible. LOVE THAT JASON STACKHOUSE!
Sholem Aleichem: Laughing in the Darkness – Opera Plaza
A documentary about the guy who wrote Fiddler on the Roof, which I already saw. So do I need to see this? It doesn’t even have singing in it! Ridiculous! That said, Sholem Aleichem was a pretty interesting guy, and if you’re one of those weirdos who goes to movies not to be entertained, but to learn, you will probably enjoy getting all cultured and feeling superior to your fancy dinner party friends when you tell them all about it. JOKE’S ON YOU, they already heard the Terry Gross interview with the director!
*Sound familiar? That’s because every movie is the same movie!
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