Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2Everywhere
The last movie, at last. The cast members are all 42-years-old, except for the already old ones, who are just phoning it in from beyond the grave. Seriously, didn’t half the old people in the first movie already die? It’s been for-fucking-EVER. Anyway, I’ve read (skimmed) the books, so I’ll see the no-doubt awesomely fresh grand finale. In 3D, natch. BECAUSE WHAT ISN’T. Spoiler alert: Eve saw it and liked it but that woman works standing up so she can’t really be trusted, can she?

Winnie the PoohEverywhere
All-new Winnie the Pooh stories, and it looks like Disney didn’t fuck it up! Way to go, Disney! Give yourself an award! Or just buy them all during awards season! Disney’s all, “Done and DONE!” Anyway, I will happily return to the Hundred Acre Wood and enjoy the shenanigans of those lovable forest creatures. Except for Tigger, that little asshole can eat a cold bag of dicks for all I care. Unlike my reviews or my person, this movie is suitable for children and adults. Enjoy!

Snow Flower and the Secret FanEverywhere
Wayne Wang’s (love him, love his name) latest follows two parallel stories about two sisters in ancient China and two sisters in modern China. My main Wang tries to capture the magic of his The Joy Luck days but with little success. It’s too bad, I’m still waiting for a more iconic movie moment than, “best quality crab.” Best quality line, AM I RIGHT??

A documentary about Joyce Mckinney, a former Miss Wyoming who allegedly/definitely kidnapped and raped a Mormon missionary in the 1970’s. The movie is about as hilarious and disturbing as that sentence makes it sound. If you’ve run out of people in your life to gossip about, go see this, because you won’t be able to stop talking about how crazy this B is for daaaays.

Skatetown, USARoxie
Patrick Swayze sexing it up at the roller disco. Nothing more to be said except: BE THERE! Also, if you’re feeling extra-fresh, join the post-show roller disco party at Cellspace. Bust out your knee-pads, shin-guards, and dong-cups, because I’m coming to party.

Silent Film FestivalCastro
A celebration of films from before talking fucked them all up. Mainly lots of slapstick and melodrama, so it’s lots of hokey fun. Runs through Sunday, so get up on that before the noise pollution returns. OH DAMMIT ALL, I made the mistake of watching the best quality crab/worst quality heart scene on YouTube (is that legal? Am I being illegal right now?) and now I’m basically in hysterics. GOD WAVERLY IS SUCH A BITCH. Netflixing the whole damn film now, godammit.

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I love animals and food!

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