Rain: So, “Bridesmaids.” Do you think it is will save Female Movie Comedies, like everyone seems to be hoping? I feel like there is a lot riding on this movie’s shoulders!

Laura: I know, if only because people keep fucking saying that! I think it’ll completely depend on the box office, right? I mean, who cares what critics think?

Rain: Yeah… I mean, I hope it’s a hit, just because maybe it will save us from further “Something Borrowed” bullshit movies…

Laura: Nothing will save us from those movies! About “Something Borrowed,” and romcoms in general, I was just talking about that with my boyfriend…It’s like, “I like romantic comedies for completely different reasons than I like comedy comedies. I don’t think romantic comedies are funny. They’re not comedies, I wish they would take comedies out of the genre title!!”

Rain: That is very true!.. And if “Bridesmaids” fails, I fear that it will be the example held up as, “Oh, ‘Bridesmaids’ failed. People don’t want to see female-centric comedies.”

Laura: Yeah, I agree. I wish it didn’t have this crazy burden on its shoulders. I didn’t know that it’s been in the works since 2006! That’s a lot of time for build-up. Plus, the fact that Apatow is associated automatically means that people will be watching.

Rain: Ugh. Apatow!

Laura: Yeah, Apatow, ugh. My friend asked the other day a good question about him: Why did he bring along all the dudes from “Freaks and Geeks” and not ONE of the women?? I mean, I love F&G as much as any awkward woman who grew up in the 90’s but really, what’s up with that?!

Rain: Yes! Busy Phillips is a HILARIOUS bitch. She could have been in “Knocked Up” easily!

Laura: TOTALLY! And to that point, I liked the male lead in “Bridesmaids,” but why was it a total unknown? Like, if this were a movie with a male star, I would bet a lot of money that the female lead woulda been someone already famous. I don’t know if that’s either here nor there but I thought it was weird.

Rain: Oh no! I loved that he’s not well-known. But he’s [Chris O’Dowd] well-known to total dorks like me, because he’s on the Brit comedy “The IT Crowd.” And he’s so, so funny in that.

Laura: Ooooh I want to watch that!

Rain: It’s SO good.

Laura: Do you think “Bridesmaids” will be his big break??

Rain: I hope so. The women next to me in the theater were going nuts over him. They couldn’t stop with the “Oh…he’s so cuuuuute. I looooove him!”

Laura: Hahahah that’s awesome! The dude next to me kept talking about Kristen Wiig’s legs. He was really gross.

Rain: Ugh! But I guess that’s better than someone talking about her being gross? I guess? Speaking of unknown males, the dude who played Maya Rudolph’s fiance [Tim Heidecker] is on “Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job,” which, cool, comedy connections and all that. But he didn’t have a SINGLE LINE.

Laura: Hahaha. I love that he had two minutes of screen time. I could not pick him out of a crowd of black dudes. (He was white. I think.)

Laura: I dug that as much as “Bridesmaids” was billed as a female comedy, that there are actually a lot of women in it. I mean, six pretty sizable female roles. I’m trying to think of another movie like that? It’s not like IT’S A FEMALE COMEDY and then it’s Kate Hudson and 15 women with one line each. Or her crew of three uglier best friends who could all be the same boring person. And then a bunch of dudes.

Rain: Yeah. The only other movie like that I can think of that was awful and starred Christina Applegate? I think?

Laura: Oooh what’s that? I was for a minute thinking of the Cameron Diaz one that was set in San Francisco and was basically unwatchable. She just farted and laughed a lot. Maybe that’s the same film??

Rain: I think it IS the same film! [“The Sweetest Thing.”]

Laura: Okay: The scene in the bridal store. Yay or nay? [The bridesmaids suffer a bout of food poisoning while trying on dresses in fancy bridal store.]

Rain: You know….it kind of has the stink of Apatow all over it. (Literally?!) And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But I kind of felt like it was shoved in there to get guys to laugh. But that said, it was done well, and I did laugh, so…

Laura: Yeah. At first I was like, “Ugh, fat girl shitting in a sink. HILARIOUS.” And then I was like, “Fat woman shitting in a sink. HILARIOUS!!!” And I like that they tried the best they know how (I mean, it is male dominated fattist, sexist, awful Hollywood film) to make that character not just “fat.” Melissa McCarthy is fucking hilarious and weird and awesome.

Rain: Yes, I was VERY worried going in that they were just going to make Melissa McCarthy the butt of a bunch of fat jokes, because I LOVE her. But she’s so fucking talented she’s able to rise above that crap.

Laura: Yeah absolutely. I was like, “Man, watch her steal that whole fucking scene!!” I thought that a lot. The only thing is, you know, she’s a pretty woman. Let her look pretty; she can be pretty and fat, the whole world won’t stop. I know it wasn’t in that character’s er…character…but I really hope in the future we can see her being attractive and funny.

Rain: Yeah, I thought the same thing. Why couldn’t one of the other women have been the weird butchy character, and let McCarthy be pretty?

Laura: Yeah, I mean Ellie Kemper could definitely go butch. DO IT, LADY.

Laura: We gotta talk about the airplane scene, too. I thought that was probably the best part of the movie (if a little long but hey). I thought the movie was at its best when it let itself go and was just FUNNY. I kinda hate that they had to throw in stuff like her crying as she frosted a single cupcake for three hours or whatever. SUCH A WOMAN!

Rain: Yeah, agree. The whole baking thing is problematic, really. GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN WOMAN!

Rain: Really, my favorite moments were when Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph are just talking. That first scene in the restaurant, when they’re talking about dicks, and Wiig pantomines a dick in the face? GOLD. They had such a chemistry, and felt like real friends, not movie friends. I wanted more of that. But then I read that when they took the script to Apatow, he said he didn’t want scenes where characters just sit and talk to each other. Asshole.

Laura: Ugh, ew! Yeah, when people used to talk about how women talk like the characters in “Sex and the City,” I’d always be like WHAT?! And this is the closest I’ve seen in a blockbuster. Wiig and Rudolph are JUST LIKE ME. Stars, they’re just like us!

Rain: Also, the movie is too long. It’s just too long. All Apatow comedies are at least 30 minutes too long. Like you said, we didn’t need montages of her baking to Fiona Apple songs. God!

Laura: I know, although I kinda appreciated the scorned and fucked up lady soundtrack. More Courtney Love please!

Rain: Yeah, most of the music choices were good, agree.

Laura: Good choices; too much of it. They need an editor who will be all, “No, you’re an idiot. This goes!” I feel like we all need one of those. (Hi Eve!)

Rain: Oh, if only Eve could edit my life.

Laura: Right?? Speaking of Eve* and Wiig, two high powered business bitches! One thing I think is pretty amazing is that like everything else in life, the woman has to be about 10,000 times more (fill in the blank) than a man to be considered equivalent. Like, Kristen Wiig is one of the most talented performers on earth, and that’s what it takes for a woman to head a Judd Apatow-lite comedy. For men? Seth Rogen will do! She basically has to be so much funnier, better looking, skinnier, and more talented to even cut mustard. Do people say that?

Rain: That is a very good point, and I don’t know if it gets mentioned often! Also, she basically had to write herself the kind of role she’d want to play.

Laura: YEAH. What’s up with that! Rain, we need to write movies. And then apparently get famous and rich so someone will produce them and then cast 19-year-old models to play us.

Rain: But I refuse to let Apatow get anywhere near what we come up with.

Laura: Handshake on that!

Rain: I guess it sounds like a really hate Apatow, which isn’t true

Laura: Mixed feelings?

Rain: I love a lot of what he’s done. I guess I just hate what he’s spawned. And he’s kind of spawned the worst side of himself lately…That sentence makes no sense.

Laura: Yeah, I totally get that. Did you ever see that conversation between Judd Apatow and “That 70’s Show”? It was from awhile ago. Basically it’s a back and forth between Apatow and the creator of “That 70’s Show” over Apatow supposedly stealing a sketch idea from the other dude. It’s hilarious, and the other dude definitely comes off way worse, but you can see in that interaction what a smug little prick Apatow has inside of him.

Laura: I think the fact that he’s held up as some comedic savior is annoying, and even though it’s not his fault, it’s still easy to be annoyed at him about it, especially when he makes some pretty shady/shitty choices. And yeah, for a lady to play with him, she has to be Kristen Wiig, whereas the dudes he chooses are basically kids who smoke pot and tell jokes. I might not make sense either! I can be more eloquent about this some other time! (Apologizing like a woman.) Also, I’m programmed to hate cocky successful white men. They suck.

Rain: Am I wrong, or was there no nudity in “Bridesmaids”? I don’t recall any of the usual “Oh, naked titties, LOL!” moments. Which is kind of refreshing….but maybe that will scare the boys away. “No boobs?! Forget it!”

Laura: Guys, there are tons of boobs. Who would you recommend the movie to? (Natural transition.)

Rain: Heh. I would recommend to any comedy fan, really, male or female. Maybe not Grandma.

Laura: Yeah, I hope a lot of people see it, because I think dudes especially will like it for the HOT CHICKS BEING GROSS aspect. Ironically (or maybe not), I kinda feel like the people who might not like it are romcom fans? But maybe I’m wrong. Also, fans of stupid comedy, of which I include myself. I really love stupid shit. I think it can be the funniest, best stuff.

Rain: Definitely. In fact, this could have used a little more stupid, a little less baking.

Laura: YES. More stupid, less baking! Can that be the title of our review??

Rain: Also, just an aside, when she freaks out the morning after with the cop? I would freak out too if the dude woke me up and then expected me to bake him breakfast.

Laura: Laughing.

Rain: I know, I know, he thought he was being all romancey…

Laura: Totally.

Rain: But dude…

Laura: That was so ridiculous. I thought maybe he could get away with it because he was from Ireland? Or Scotland? Also, can people from Ireland or Scotland even be cops? I don’t know how that works.

Rain: I appreciated that they totally brushed that off. Doesn’t he just say, “Yeah, they made an exception because I am really tough”? It was better than having him do a really bad American accent.

Laura: OH YEAH! I completely forgot about that! Agreed. Also, he had great hair.

Rain: Yeah. I think he’s adorbs, personally.

Laura: They did a good job of picking a dude who ladies would love. Accent? Check! Uniform? Check!

Rain: He was an unconventional love interest, but so is Wiig I guess.

Laura: Yeah, maybe that’s why the short skirts. I don’t even know what she really looks like or how old she is, and I like that, but I think the best way they knew how to sex her up was to put her in skimpy “hipster-y” shit, hoping she’ll appeal to the type of dude who loves these movies. Wiig’s character talking about not being as skinny as a woman that she’s clearly skinnier than really bugged. Total Liz Lemon-style bullshit. Like, lady, you’re a size 00, knock it off.

Rain: Yeah. It was also distracting because Maya Rudolph is pretty obviously pregnant in some scenes.

Laura: Yeah, they shoulda made her character preggers.

Rain: There were some also some interesting class conflicts in there, but I am not smart enough to discuss that. Or, more accurately, it kind of bores me, so I will skip it.

Laura: Hahaha yeah, there definitely was a haves vs. have nots lecture in there, but I thought it was kinda silly, considering they were all varying degrees of “haves.” I mean, what kind of have-not can afford to open a bakery and buy all her clothes at Anthropologie?

Rain: So…good and bads?

Laura: Good = ladies out there doing it to it for themselves, some great stupid comedy. Bad = doing it to it under the direction and money of a man and THE man. Some ridiculous sappy shit.

Rain: Good: any time Wiig and Rudolph are on screen together. Lady centric comedy. Bad: Too damn long. Too much baking. Also good: Jon Hamm being a total asshole.

Laura: Jon Hamm. Why is he so great? Everyone loves him! He is a man’s man and a ladies man and everything in-between.

Rain: For me it’s that he’s so good looking, but also so hilarious. It’s almost not fair.

Laura: I think it’s because he was rejected for being TOO good looking for so long, he had to suffer through creating a personality like everyone else. Best of both worlds! Bam! I had a roommate like that once.

Rain: OK, just now an ad for the movie came on, and there’s a scene in the ad that isn’t in the movie. Two scenes, actually. FALSE ADVERTISING!

Laura: WHAT! What happens in it??

Rain: I don’t remember the two of them talking about farting in each other’s faces during the first scene in the cafe in the beginning, but maybe I just missed it…and then there’s a scene where a kid eats one of Wiig’s birth control pills.

Laura: I remember the farting thing, that was in the cut I saw. But def no pills. Also, I didn’t know there were TV ads for it. Has there been a huge push for this movie? It’s hard for me to tell because I’m too poor to afford basic cable. (TALK ABOUT HAVE NOTS!)

Rain: Yeah, I usually don’t see a lot of commercials because I have TiVo and skip them. But there have definitely been a lot of TV ads for it…

Laura: Well, that’s good, that means they’re giving it a real shot, right?

Rain:
And Wiig’s been on the talk show circuit. And Apatow, too. And it seems like the critics are taking to it, if Rotten Tomatoes is to be trusted…so maybe it’ll do good!

(aw, you guys! — EB)

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  • Matt Stewart

    Women just aren’t funny.