Everything Must GoEverywhere
It’s the latest entry in the “Old White Man Finds Himself” genre. These are especially poignant if they star Michael Douglas or Jack Nicholson. Or an ex-SNL star, as is the case here. You know what sucks? Besides EVERYTHING? This: Everyone is wondering about the box office potential of a comedy starring a woman (the horror!), but nobody is worried about a film that’s basically two hours of a boring old white man sitting on a lawn?

It’s a ninja priest fighting vampires in an alternate universe in the future that looks like the past. I don’t know. There’s a cowboy? Your guess is as good as mine.

Don’t worry! If you’re a dude, you can watch this movie and you won’t start growing a uterus! Seriously, it’s a comedy with women in it but it’s funny for dudes! No really, guys, there are SO MANY RAUNCHY LAUGHS DON’T YOU WORRY. I mean, we wouldn’t want this film to succeed on the fact that freaking women go see it because EVERYTHING IS FOR MEN. Also: BOOBS! GUNS! And with that, read the conversation that Rain and I had about the film and then GO SEE IT because these Hollywood morons are stupid enough to base the future of women in comedy on one film alone. I mean, movies starring men get ten thousand chances to suck but you know, ladies: this is your shot!

Forks Over KnivesBridge
Learn how your diet is killing you in this fun and informative documentary! No but really, take all your family and friends to see this so that they don’t have to get triple bypasses before their fortieth birthdays. I mean, how many of us have health insurance these days? How many of us have GOOD health insurance these days? Go see the damn film.

Go For ItEverywhere
Another terrible addition to the teen dance film genre. It’s pretty unwatchable but I enjoy it because I’m bit of a dance aficionado. If I had one wish, I would wish for a million wishes. And then I would use one of those wishes to be able to break dance. My street name would be, “Fats” and I’d have a signature move called the “Cream Puff.” Basically, I’d twirl around on my behind and then move directly into a hand-stand and then the splits and THEN with crossed arms, I’d go, “what what in the butt!” And all the kids would call it back to me. That’s called doing the Cream Puff, y’all.

That kid from Third Rock From the Sun puts on a Charles Manson Halloween costume and has a hissy fit on screen for two hours. That said, lots of girls will see it because ladies seriously want to bone that dude. Like, for real, there are about fifteen Tumblrs dedicated to boning him.

Stake LandRoxie
Rain saw this at SFIFF this year and called it, “a post apocalyptic, vampire, coming-of-age, Western, road movie with a hint of Terrence Malick.” Wait, isn’t that what Priest is about? Sounds good to me! Read her entire review here and then let’s meet at the Roxie to see this and then maybe do a fight club after. Deal? Deal!

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