ThorEverywhere
God love Kenneth Branagh. This dude is so amazing, it’s like, the more money you give him, the better his shit gets. He’s the opposite of pretty much every other director because he knows what to do with the big bucks. If I were a mega-billionaire, I’d give him a billion and let him go buck wild. The results? GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE. Anyway, if you like spectacles and/or comic books (even if Thor is kinda whack), you’ll love this movie! Unless you write for the NY Times.

BeaverEverywhere
Hearing critics praise Gibson’s role in this movie makes me want to puke all over their old white bald heads. One reviewer called him, “the saddest man in the world” and that makes me really sad for that reviewer, for he must be a pathetic sad sack, as well. Mel Gibson is a spoiled piece of shit with every opportunity afforded a white man on earth, and he still insists on being an incredible dick trickle. The script for the film — which was a big story when it was the #1 pick on 2008’s The Black List — was a thousand times better than the movie, so you can always just download that. LEGALLY, of course. And if you need to watch a movie that involves puppetry, just rent The Muppets Take Manhattan, which is a guaranteed good time and doesn’t star a racist, anti-Semitic, wife beating monster. THAT I KNOW OF.

Last NightEverywhere
Overly attractive people creating drama in their boring lives because they’re bored and who really cares? Will she cheat? Will he cheat? I don’t know, I’ve already left the theater!

Something BorrowedEverywhere
I can’t decide whether Kate Hudson is the dumbest person alive or the smartest. When you’re that dumb/smart, it kinda becomes the same thing. Like Showgirls. Anyway, don’t see this terrible romcom about two best friends who are in love with the same man GOD I AM SO TIRED OF THIS SHIT. My best friend and I have only ONCE been interested in the same dude, and he didn’t want to go out with either of us! That’s reality, folks.

Incendies Embarcadero
Oscar-nominated for Best Foreign Film, Incendies is a thoroughly depressing thriller set against the backdrop of a civil war in an unknown Middle Eastern country. If you’re feeling strong enough to watch a film that beats you down with the shittiness of humanity, this is it! Here’s Wendy’s review.

Queen to PlayEmbarcadero
Did you know Kevin Kline can speak french? Like, well enough to act in a French movie? He can! This movie is about chess and Kevin Kline is in it and he acts IN FRENCH. Quelle Surprise!

Meek’s CutoffEmbarcadero
It’s like playing the Oregon Trail video game but you have no control over what’s happening and also, it’s boring as hell and not fun like the video game. If this had been an actual round of Oregon Trail, I woulda let the whole cast die from Scurvy about ten minutes into it and moved on to hunting down Ruth Less in Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? DO IT, ROCKAPELLA! Here’s Rain’s review.

FREE MOVIE TIME! Forks Over Knives — a documentary about how our steady diet of Cheetos and Twinkies is murdering us in our sleep — is showing for free on Monday, May 9th, in SF. To RSVP, head here.

Want more news, sent to your inbox every day? Then how about subscribing to our email newsletter? Here’s why we think you should. Come on, give it a try.

the author

I love animals and food!

Please make sure your comment adheres to our comment policy. If it doesn't, it may be deleted. Repeat violations may cause us to revoke your commenting privileges. No one wants that!
  • Aaron Sankin

    I don’t know…Branagh’s Henry V was made for about half the cost of a ham sandwich (under $10 mil) and it was TEH AWESOME!!1

  • Laura Hooper Beck

    that is actually a very good point. i will issue a clarification next week!