Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger TidesLiterally Everywhere
I will say this: girl earns her paycheck. How many hours of make-up do you think Depp has to sit in to look that sexy-haggard? And then he has to tap dance on a rocking set piece for like ten hours a day? Really, how does he do it? OH IT MUST BE FOR THE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. I can’t judge these movies because they’re the ones laughing all the way to the bank and I’m sitting here in my dirty drawers writing this g-d review. They win, I lose, no contest!

American: The Bill Hicks StoryKabuki
A documentary about the one and only Bill Hicks. This bold ballsy liberal-as-shit motherfucker told it like it was and it sucks that he’s gone. If you’re a Hicks fan — and you probably are if you live in San Francisco — you could indulge in a showing. Or you could just watch some Bill Hicks on YouTube. He’d want it that way, anyhow.

6th Annual Anti-Corporate Film FestivalVictoria Theatre
And the award for most depressing film festival goes to 6th Annual Anti-Corporate! For reals, the festival’s half-dozen films (they’re all documentaries) will basically make you feel terrible about everything you own from your computer to your car. It’s important to educate ourselves because that’s how we can change and demand better, right? Just don’t bring a gun and a razor blade because I can’t promise you won’t go on a shooting spree and then slit your wrists after you watch some of these movies. Opened yesterday and runs through this Saturday, May 21.

The Topp Twins: Untouchable GirlsLumiere
A documentary about two lesbian sisters from New Zealand who champion social causes through country music and Vaudevillian sketches. They really are against all odds, aren’t they? If they were deaf and dyslexic, you’d have truly every reason on earth to root for them. I mean, you’d have to be a no-heart bigot to not adore these two lovable cornballs. That said, it’s kinda like spending time with your two batty aunts who are actually way more awesome than you’ll ever be but you just don’t understand a word they’re saying, ya know? Your call!

13 AssassinsEmbarcadero
Yet another ultra super violent film from ultra super violent director, Takashi Miike. This fool will release, no joke, four films a year, and they’ll all be exactly the fucking same. As with all his films, 13 Assassins is an extreme gore bloody sex mess that’ll gross some people out and get others off. Different strokes! Run, don’t walk, either away (prude!) or to (perv!).

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