It’s Taming of the Shrew meets Salt meets Kick Ass meets FUCKING AWESOME. I want to go see a young woman just straight running shit, and she’s not all sexed up and gross. Kinda like Sucker Punch but not sexy-fied and it’s actually watchable! Is it creepy that I’m in my early 30’s and want to be friends with Saorise Ronan? Yes? Fine.

Your HighnessEverywhere
Listen here, you beautiful bitch. I am about to fuck you up with some truth: It’s basically an episode of Eastbound and Down set in the middle ages. Official decree: See ye olde titties there! Rain’s not so sure, here’s her review.

Did you know that 1981’s Arthur was remade with Russell Brand in Dudley Moore’s role? Yeah, neither did ANYBODY. Lesson learned: If Warner Bros. isn’t pushing a movie starring golden boy Russell Brand, it must be a TURD.

PoetryOpera Plaza
A syllogism: Most poetry is terrible. Most films are terrible. Therefore, Poetry the film is terrible. Not! It’s apparently fucking amazing, because every critic on earth is going nuts for it, and it won the best-screenplay prize at Cannes. I also have this weird desire to see it, so I’m gonna treat myself to a glass of Beaujolais, and just take it all in, like (WAIT FOR IT), poetry.

In a Better WorldEmbarcadero
Won the Best Foreign Language Film at this year’s Academy Awards, and it’s Dutch. If you must know more, it’s about bullying and its repercussions, and it’s all Very Serious. You’ll be watching this movie and your brain will be all, “I’m smart!” and the rest of you will be all, “Yawn! I hate myself! I wish the brain didn’t control the legs so I could just walk over to Your Highness!”

Bill Cunningham New YorkEmbarcadero
Times Style columnist and fashion photographer Bill Cunningham is one magical motherfucker, and this peek into his life is downright delightful! He’s just this wonderful character, all riding around Manhattan on his Schwinn, and schooling Anna Wintour on outfit selection. If you don’t want to be him when you grow up, you are terrible. Even better, the documentary provides a peek into the weird world of Manhattan’s fabulous rich old bags*, who are all total wackadoos. SO MUCH FUN.

7th Annual San Francisco International Women’s Film FestivalVarious
If you love ladies, you’ll love the San Francisco International Women’s Film Festival! Of particular interest is the Animation Unlimited evening, which is filled with many not-to-be-missed gems. If I had a kid (NEVER!), I’d totally take them to the kid’s animation thing during the day on Saturday, because I like children’s animated films. I’m assuming kids also like them? Or maybe it’s something that adults drag kids to when they’d much rather be at home running in a circle or eating paint off a wall. Anyway, go see some stuff and support those of us with vaginas, because if you don’t? WHO WILL? Yes, I’m talking about hooking.

*People and actual bags.

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