The Last LionsEmbarcadero
This documentary about a lioness determined to keep her family alive in Botswana’s Okavango Delta is heart-rendering. If you pause the channel on Animal Planet whenever you see predator taking down prey, this is for you. Actually, if you have any curiosity about other creatures on this planet, it’s for you. Did you know that the lion population has plummeted from 450,000 to as few as 20,000 in just 50 years? This documentary is a cry for help, and if it doesn’t break your heart, you are a sociopath.

Take Me Home TonightEverywhere
It’s a teen comedy starring 40-year-olds. Why is nobody giving Anna Farris real roles? That girl is a delight, and it makes me mad when she’s in garbage like this. Who the fuck is her agent? Reese Witherspoon? ANNA, WAKE UP! YOU’RE SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY!

The Adjustment BureauEverywhere
This movie looks so fucking stupid. The premise is we’re all on preordained trajectories in life and if we somehow sidestep them, a bunch of white dudes in suits come correct. If we don’t listen to them, our whole lives are fucked and we die a fiery death. Um, yeah. So, I guess all those starving AIDS orphans in Uganda just took the wrong bus that one time? it’s just more privileged white Americans caring about the oh-so-important lives of privileged white Americans. Got it! That said, I will illegally download it rent it because I enjoy Matt Damon. Read Rain’s review here.

RangoEverywhere
It’s an animated re-telling of Seven Samurai starring Johnny Depp as the voice of the lizard actor/sheriff, who is the town’s unlikely hero. It’s from ILM, so the animation is top-notch, and the completely wacky characters will delight you/creep you out. Bring the whole family, even if you’re a sad sack and your family is just you–because if that’s the case, I really need you to stay away from all the crazy depressing foreign films that are opening today.

BeastlyEverywhere.
This is Beauty and the Beast, without the delightful singing teapot. Handsome dude is all, “I’m handsome and perfect, fuck the rest of you peons!” and then some crazy witch (Mary Kate Olson who looks crazy/can’t act for shit/is perfect) is all, “now you will be ugly to learn a lesson about god knows what!” and then he has to find true love (from a very pretty girl, natch) to get attractive again. The thing is, the crazy witch doesn’t even really turn him ugly, she just turns him Goth. I know about a million high school girls who would line up to bang his freaky ass. Therefore, the entire story is flawed, and this movie is bullshit.

Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past LivesKabuki
Uncle Boonmee is dying from kidney failure, and so he retires to the countryside to spend his last few days in peace. Surprise! His ass is about to be haunted by hella ghosts. In your face, Uncle Boonmee! I don’t know… it looks pretty, and the name is great, but also: SO BOOOORING MOVIES ABOUT OLD PEOPLE. If you think you’re classy, you’ll probably philosophize all about this charming Thai film, but I know you’re hitting The Proposal on Instant Netflix the second you get home. Don’t front.

MachotaildropRoxie
About skateboarding. If you like skateboarding, you probably already know about it. If not, you’re probably not going to see it.

Of Gods and MenEmbarcadero
The trailer opens with monks chanting and that just remind me of Satan’s Alley so I really can’t think of anything else. What can I say? It wins the coveted Crying Monkey award. If you like Serious French Films about Monks and War and Redemption, have at it.

Nora’s WillBridge
A precocious, scheming Mexican-Jewish woman throws an elaborate passover feast on the same day as her funeral. Confused? You should be. This movie is so wrong, it’s right. Twisted, funny, and fucked-up–it’s not to be missed.

When We LeaveOpera Plaza
This German film looks to be mad depressing. It’s basically about this woman who is fighting to keep her son from her abusive ex and her crazy-ass family. A million hours long, and at the end you’ll slit your wrists. Or maybe you’re on your period and need to just cry in the dark for 3 hours? No judgment!

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I love animals and food!

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  • Greg Dewar

    as always, Laura kicks ass. The adjustment bureau review ALONE was worth a million points!

  • cv

    I concur. The “Beastly” review is wonderful as well.

  • cv

    I think it’s worth pointing out that spring is the graveyard for Hollywood movies. There are sometimes some good indie films, but when Hollywood lays a turd, it is relegated to a spring release so it doesn’t get quashed by the big budget blockbusters that rule the screens during summer and from Thanksgiving through Christmas.

    Hollywood tends to put out its serious movies in the fall so they remain relatively fresh for Academy voters.

    If you are in a movie theater in the spring and watching a Hollywood flick, most likely it sucks.