There are two types of high-end thieves, the ones that could theoretically go to jail for their crimes and the ones that work for Goldman Sachs*. Of the former category, most are going about it all wrong. The man who stole the Mona Lisa couldn’t ride home on da Vinci’s famous painting. No matter how hard he tried, the world’s greatest jewel thief couldn’t assemble all the diamond earrings he stole into a makeshift raft and ride it safely out to sea. Don’t even get me started on the Hamburglar. That idiot couldn’t even control himself long enough change out of his prison uniform before his next unsuccessful attempt to burgle hams. Maybe changing into street clothes and taking off that damn cape might not attract so much attention. Stupid Hamburglar, that guy makes me so mad.
Where all of these suave ne’re-do-wells go wrong is that their escape routes aren’t built into their ill-gotten gains. As any of San Francisco’s endless supply of bike thieves will mumble at you in a meth-induced haze, stealing something is much easier when you can ride the very thing you stole off to safety and to more delicious, refreshing crystal meth.
Whomever has been stealing cars right off the lot at the at Bentley, Lamborghini and Lotus dealership on Van Ness definitely appreciates how easy it is to get away from a crime when you can do zero to sixty in 3.2 seconds. Early Tuesday morning, a swashbuckling thief walked up the stairs to the top of the building that houses the dealership, rappelled down from the roof into where the luxury cars are stored and drove a brand new, custom Lamborghini belonging to celebrity chef Guy Fieri right out the front door.
Fieri, who lives in Santa Rosa, is the host the Food Network show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives where he stands in the kitchens of restaurants around the country declaring various chilidogs to be “delicious”.
Interestingly, this is not the first time this exact same crime as been committed at this very dealership. John Marx had his green Jaguar driven right off the lot by a particularly brazen thief in 2005. Marx said a mechanic at the dealership told him at the time of the theft that a yellow Lamborghini was also stolen off the lot only weeks before. That would make Fieri’s yellow Lamborghini the second one the dealership has lost in a relatively short time.
While it’s unclear if all three crimes are the work of the same master criminal or just the result of a car dealership that should probably not leave its cars sitting around with the keys still in them, everyone knows that if one garish, yellow Lamborghini tells the world, “I am comfortable in my manhood due to the above-average size of my penis,” two garish, yellow Lamborghinis makes it irrefutably true.
Fieri’s car was spotted going over the Golden Gate bridge and then captured by Tiburon’s creepy security camera/license plate recognition system. Whether the thief wanted to stop by Sam’s Anchor Cafe for a bowl of clam chowder and an Anchor Steam or if Tiburon is just where all luxury cars in the Bay Area automatically go when the cruise control is turned on is still up for speculation.
In other news, Rachael Ray’s DeLorean is still doing great.