Ask a little kid what they want to be when they grow up and you’re unlikely to get a pragmatic answer.”I wanna be a football player,” or, “I wanna be a helicopter,” or, “I wanna look at gorillas.” Kids are stupid. They don’t understand the average length of a professional football player’s career is only 3.3 years (and a meager 2.5 for running backs). Once their NFL careers are over, the repeated traumatic brain injuries they suffered on the field will make becoming a helicopter virtually impossible. Besides, the U.S. outsourced most of its good-paying helicopter jobs overseas years ago–the Helicopter Union (Local 258) has been almost completely decimated.
While market forces have rendered those first two little kid jobs impossible pipe dreams, it is actually possible make a living looking at gorillas without having to relocate to Zaire. In one of the most interesting local Craigslist job postings to appear for a while (sent to us by Appeal reader John), Woodside’s The Gorilla Foundation is looking for an Evening Gorilla Monitor. If your inner six-year old never left their favorite spot in front of the gorilla habitat at the zoo, this may be the position for you.
The Gorilla Foundation is famous for being the home of Koko, the gorilla taught to communicate using sign language. While you watch the gorillas, you can also chat with them about whatever it is gorillas like to chat about–eating leaves, the long-term fiscal consequences of taxing capital gains at the same rate as normal income, the best ways to get delicious termites out of a hollow log, pretty much anything.
The foundation is currently in the process of attempting to breed two gorillas who understand sign language in the hope that they’ll teach their offspring to sign. Your life could be like a prequel to Planet of the Apes! Teach them to tell their great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren to expect Moses to eventually come to their world and glower angrily at them and then, years later, to expect Marky Mark to come and do exactly the same thing but worse.
Information about applying for the job can be found here.
Information about becoming a helicopter can be found here.