It’s a male bonding road trip movie with an alien! Starring the delightful Simon Pegg, who somehow always manages to not look like a douche even though I’m pretty sure he’s a douche! This got a lot of buzz at SxSW this year. I know that because I was there because like everyone else at SxSW, I’m an extremely self-important asshole.

Anywhoo! Pegg was there, as well, and I think like, people get drunk with happiness anytime a celebrity is near them and so Pegg coulda taken a dump on the stage of the Paramount and the entire internet woulda been OMG BEST EVER. Well, that WOULD have been the best ever, but uknowwhatimsayin? I saw Bridesmaids and the movie was OKAY*, but the audience FLIPPED THEIR SHIT. It’s like everyone got jacked up on steroids and had a fight club beforehand, there were literally people doing the Arsenio Hall “woop woop woop” during certain parts. It was INSANE. Anyway, go see this movie if you like British people. Here’s Rain’s review.

The Lincoln LawyerEverywhere
Matthew McConaughey stars as a dude who has a job. This promises to be major lolz. Here’s what Rain thought.

Dude! This movie was directed by a 21-year-old! Shoot me in the face! I probably won’t accomplish as much in my entire fucking life as this fool did before he was out of diapers. I hate myself. If you must know more about this ambitious/lucky little fucker, go see Heartbeats. It’s about a love triangle and is supposed to be whimsical and funny. Pretty much everyone digs it a lot, except for Karina Longworth from the Village Voice, but she hates errrthang.

Certified CopyClay
It’s two attractive people walking around Italy and falling in love and shit. But there’s a surprise ending. So, it’s like Before Sunrise, with a twist. Maybe go with a date? Or with a friend who has recently suffered a break-up? I don’t know why, but I have a feeling the twist might be that one of them turns out to be a serial killer. That’s always the hope.

Jane EyreOpera Plaza
Another film version of Charlotte Brontë’s tome, this time starring the little dancing boy from Billy Elliot as Jane Eyre! Talk about breathing new life into the classics. At least, I THINK he’s the star, he’s got top billing so he must be, right? If not, BO-RING, but you’ll go see it if you really love the book because if I know one thing about fans of women Victorian writers, they make Juggalos look like amateur hour, for real. Also, they are probably single women or gay men.

You Won’t Miss MeRoxie
This got some buzz because it stars Julian Schnabel’s daughter, Stella. Of course her name is Stella! Moving on, it’s a coming-of-age for rich white kids who have nothing but time and money, so they just do drugs and freak out. It sounds self-indulgent and pretty tedious, so I’ll probably see it.

Phil Ochs: There But For FortuneBalboa
Phil Ochs is a singer-songwriter who started writing songs about Real Issues in the 1960’s. His problem was, he wanted to be famous AND sing about shit that people don’t care about (i.e., politics, politics, etc.). I wish I had a time machine because I’d go back and tell him to write songs about feeling on bootys and having sex in a nightclub. Hindsight is 20/20!

*Typical JAJAK–Judd Apatow/Judd Apatow Knockoff, but instead of starring some shlubby fat dude, it’s a super skinny woman WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT NOT BEING SKINNY ENOUGH. Well, I guess that’s a huge step for those dudes. It’s also super looooong, fairly woman hateful, and clearly directed by an old white bro. I know, I know, Paul Feig made Freaks and Geeks and how dare I IT WAS THE SHOW THAT DEFINED OUR GENERATION. But people get older, and sometimes they get more Hollywood and crappier, and them’s the facts. I guess a truly awesome comedy just can’t be made. I mean, when Super Bad is heralded as the best comedy in years, you know our shit is in trouble. Sadness.

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