The Oscar Nominated Short Films – Lumiere, Opera Plaza
Be the only person at your Oscar party who actually watched anything besides The Social Network! Vote with pride in that office poll, you smug piece of shit.
Recommended for: people who love epic action flicks and can point out Algeria on a map. So that would be… two of you?
SF Indiefest – Roxie
Lots of potentially-awesome, potentially-awful movies at SF Indiefest this week. Top picks are Worst in Show (a documentary about ugly dogs! aww.), R U There (a professional gamer and a real life hooker get it on in Second Life), and The Happy Poet (it’s about an all-organic mostly-vegetarian food cart… it’s like this film was made FOR YOU).
Recommended for: snobs, intellectuals, snobby intellectuals, self-proclaimed “movie lovers”
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never – Everywhere
What’s up, San Francisco? You too good for The Biebs!? Fair enough. If you really hate yourself, you can see it in 3D. I’ll be there wearing TWO pairs of glasses so I can touch! the! magic! The magic being his tiny magnified junk in my face. Can I say that? How old is he?
Recommended for: tweenage girls (but really, parents, don’t allow this), pervs.
Recommended for: HIDE YOUR KIDS, HIDE YOUR WIFE.
Cedar Rapids – Kabuki, Metreon
Andy from The Office, who is the most adorable, and John C. Reilly, who looks so ugly you know he’s funny, star as two opposites who meet at a hotel on a business trip. Hijinks ensure. It looks like it’ll be medium funny.
Recommended for: People who loved Chuck and Buck and Stepbrothers. We’re out there.
Lovers + Liberators: A benefit for the Red Vic
Watch a bunch of activist films and get pissed at the man. That’s why you moved here, right?
Recommended for: feminist agitators, patrons of the arts
The Eagle – Everywhere
It’s set in 2nd Century Rome and stars Channing Tatum, perhaps best know for 2006 Amanda Bynes vehicle She’s the Man. Need I say more? Okay, Tatum’s Roman solidier speaks English with an American accent. Because, duh.
Recommended for: Roman history buffs who like to get angry about historical inaccuracies in movies, anyone who loves to get high and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh…