cold.jpgThere is only one type of weather San Franciscans like, and it isn’t bone-chilling-kill-yourself-50-degrees-or-below-mean-weather.

Now, we all know that there are some places like Nebraska where not only is 45 degrees not cold, but it’s actually hot, and that would be a prescient thing to point out if you were in Nebraska, but you’re not so shut up about San Franciscans being wimps already.

There are starving people in the world, but does that make me any less hungry for the sweet potato mole I’m about to eat for lunch? No. There are people who are colder than San Franciscans, but San Franciscans are still cold, not least because they won’t take off their goddamn ballet flats and put on a sensible pair of shoes.

One of the main differences, of course, between places like Nebraska and places like this place is that in Nebraska people have heaters and cars and warm coats, and in San Francisco people have none of these things so while it may be cold outside in Nebraska, it’s cold everywhere in San Francisco.

Unless you are in a bath, which I strongly recommend, but people in San Francisco do not take baths because they are also terrified of their bathtubs and always say things like, “Yucky. I would never bathe in that tub.” Which makes you wonder why San Franciscans have such disgusting bathtubs, but that’s a question for another time of the month.

The fact that San Franciscans are totally free from conforming to right-wing room titles like “dining room” or “living room” means that quite often the location of the only heater in the apartment is in someone’s bedroom.

Not only that, but it is typically huge, old, scary looking and dubious in more ways than one. Not least because San Franciscans have no idea what will happen if they turn it on. They sort of don’t believe it will work and usually have no idea how to turn it on anyway and will mutter things about pilot lights as if that word holds any meaning for them.

On the other hand, they are terrified that if the heater does miraculously work their PG&E bill might be more than $11 a month, and they are probably right about that. San Franciscans are not dumb bunnies.

So, they are really stuck between a rock and hard place, and not the namby pamby baby one that Aron Ralston talks about. This is serious business, not loll around in a canyon and cut off your arm all herky jerky.

And yet still San Franciscans rise from their beds, go to work, and make their evening drinking dates, and it is actually quite shocking that Danny Boyle has not yet made this DAILY journey into an inspiring film about the incredible endurance of the human spirit.

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  • jchinn84

    I actually love this weather. But then again, I was born and raised in the city.

  • Beth S.

    Ramona, if I may, I’d love a “Things San Franciscans Like” of feeling superior based on level of SF-nativeness. I think I’m like a 6, because (and really, I’d be happy to provide a chart, documentation, etc.) I’m a 4th generation resident, was born in Pacific Heights (!) and went to high school in the Sunset. But I was raised in Marin. I’m sure jchinn84 could tell you I’m practically from another planet.

  • SFNative

    In my opinion, San Franciscans usually don’t complain about the cold too much–at least not natives like jchinn84 or myself. The weather stays temperate and the fog insulates the City for the most part.

  • Katie Baker

    I don’t verbally complain because I love living in SF and have to pretend to myself in order to ignore the fact that I no longer enjoy a summer season, but secretly I cry inside. I highly suspect most people who live here, both natives and newcomers alike, do the same.

  • Katie Baker

    Also, I think it’s a little short-sighted to think that our climate is usually perfect! Jeez guys, this is a humor column, not a census on what every single San Franciscan believes. And it is also not called “Things Native San Franciscans Like.” OK I’m done.

  • bkalberino

    Okay. This is getting real sad. Time to break the habit and bow out gracefully. The Internet eagerly awaits your redemption.

    Be a man, dude. Be a man.

  • irrelevance

    I love this column. Just wanted to give you kudos.

  • SFNative

    @bkalberino: Can I not write my opinion about our weather…?

  • Greg Dewar

    I used to dislike “the cold” when I grew up here. Then I moved to Seattle for 7 years. Then I returned (10 years ago as of last month omg yay!) and remember walking to work wearing shorts and a polo shirt. A “Native San Franciscan” (Or maybe just someone who lived here at the time) stared at me and said, parka-clad, “aren’t you freezing” and I was like “Lady, its sunny in December and this isn’t cold!”

    So glad I decided to move back here…

  • Matt Baume

    When is Ramona’s book of these essays coming out? Because I am looking forward to buying it for everyone for Christmas and being like, “I know her kind of.”

  • kelsf88

    WOWWIE ZOWIE! That would be BEYOND amazing.