threesome.jpg Sometimes, it takes someone else to reignite your sex life. Not that threesomes are or even should be the antidote to struggling relationships, but adding the right extra set of hands can make your sex life that much hotter.

When we think of threesomes, it’s this fantasy of everyone in bed altogether at once with someone sticking something in someone else’s hole. Like a Chinese fingertrap of sex.

In reality, this is often not the case. Threesomes in porn have the advantage of a director, someone to block out the scene and say, “OK, Rock Hardson, you’re going to lie down and stick it in her ass. Make sure to spread those cheeks for me! And you, Steel Roddington, you’re going to squat a bit and slip it right in her pussy. But angle a bit this way–I wanna see the all the pumping. Got it? Aaaand action!” In reality, it’s like herding cats. Cats who secretly hate each other and think the other is trying to steal her man through sex/is acting waaay too possessive for anyone to have any real fun. His dick isn’t THAT great.

No, instead, someone ends up sitting out for a breather. Three bodies on one bed is like playing Tetris with hard-ons. Someone ends up feeling left out because sometimes there can’t be MENAGE A TROIS ALL THE TIME ALL THE TROIS. But, you know, that’s ok. Because sometimes a threesome isn’t necessarily about three people having sex with everyone involved.

What you say!! Cuckolding and exhibitionism/voyeurism can also involve three people, and not everyone gets to poke at someone else’s hole.

For a threesome-lite experience, having someone watch you fulfills the sapien quota without getting someone all up in your business. Imagine someone getting off on watching you and your partner get off! And you don’t even have to worry about STI/safer sex precautions with the other person as long as they are not eventually getting off onTO you. There’s little to worry about in terms of jealousy…it’s just the journey to find the right person, which is half the battle in setting up any satisfying threesome anyway.

Cuckolding is a little more D/s-heavy. You’re deliberately playing with feelings of jealousy and humiliation in most cases, traditionally with the husband or the boyfriend sitting this one out…but you can play with any gender set-up. While one partner watches, the other person fucks the the third person–or they fuck him, however you want to see it. Sometimes the spectator is at the foot of the bed, waiting to (be forced to) clean up the mess. Other times, they’re tied up to a chair. They can be utterly ignored or verbally insulted. The scene can end there, or the spectator’s partner can allow his or her cuckold to reclaim their position in a moment of competitor’s enthusiasm.

Ideally, you pursue a threesome when you are grounded in your relationship (or your status as a single). You trust your partner, and you’re not going to have jealousy flare-ups…and if you do, you talk about them in a sane and rational manner.

The threesome is an added bonus, something else to experience together sexually. It is not a relationship band-aid or an excuse to slowly slip away from your partner by being allowed to screw other people. In the same amount of time you take to find the extra person or couple, consider what kind of threesome you’d want and agree upon the kinds of activities you’d like to do together (and don’t forget condom logistics, if they apply). If a woman wants to live out an MMF, for example, will she get to instruct the men on how to suck cock? Or is touching the other guy a hard limit for either or both of the men? Maybe one would be be perfectly happy just watching her with another guy and waiting his turn.

A happy threesome is one where everyone gets along and wants to experience it with the others, no one feels pushed out of the heap, and everyone knows everyone else’s boundaries. You can start small and work your way up–you shouldn’t feel pressured to watch another woman sit on your partner’s face if that’s too much for you right now. No one said you only get one threesome, but someone did say: “if at first you don’t succeed, tri, tri, tri again.”

Image by afroboof.

The Sexual Manifesto is Christine Borden’s weekly column on sex in the city, sex and culture, and, well, sex. Got a tip for Christine (and it’s not in your pants)? Email her at christine@sfappeal.com.

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  • Dain Fitzgerald

    That picture definitely wins the award for the least-likely-to-inspire-a-threesome-yet-still-plausibly-connote-one.

  • Christine Borden

    C’mon I can’t be the only one with a parka fetish!