It is bizarre and wonderful to me that ABC Channel 7 News Reporter Dan Noyes manages to get into the most exciting altercations on camera. Because in real life, Dan is incredibly laid back and funny. Having known him for a few years, I totally consider Dan Noyes my friend, and every once in awhile, my friend Dan throws down in the name of truth and justice. It’s…awesome.

You might remember Dan’s most famous run-ins, those with Mayor Gavin Newsom. Once, Gavin got so mad at Dan he did this big clap of frustration. The Mayor seemed so aggrieved by Dan’s questions about Newsom’s alleged drinking that Gavin opened his arms and then just smacked them together in a physical display of annoyance. My heart beats a little faster just thinking about it.

Recently, Dan’s reporting what he says are some pretty serious misuse of funds at Laguna Honda Hospital. Dan says that it appears that money donated to the hospital’s Patient Gift Fund hasn’t all been going to the intended recipients, which the hospital says on its website is their patients (many of whom are some of the city’s poorest ill and infirm).

Instead, Dan says “the hospital administration has been spending ten of thousand of dollars on gourmet meals, airline tickets and other items – not on the patients.” For their part, Laguna Honda disputes Dan’s reporting, saying “The gift fund has two purposes. It is used to provide amenities to residents and to provide support for hospital staff,” even as the the Gift Fund page on their website, makes no mention of the money going to anyone but patients. It’s all very confusing, so Dan went down there to get to the bottom of things. That’s when all hell broke lose.

In an attempt to talk to the hospital’s director, about to start a public meeting, Dan gets intercepted by the hospital’s Communications Director, Marc Slavin. This isn’t that weird. Communications Directors’ jobs are to get out in front of the press and spin a story. But generally, they keep their hands in their pockets. Or maybe on some pamphlets. Not Marc!

No, Marc decided that he’s got to delicately touch Dan. I can’t say that I blame him. Dan is a tall drink of water, a smooth silver fox. But he was there in a professional capacity. I mean, this was not the time. But there’s Marc, laying his hand upon Dan like Jesus curing a leper.

It gets real weird real fast.

Marc and his hand wasn’t kosher with Dan, so my friend used the phrase many women in tacky bars have uttered before and since, “Don’t touch me.”

What often happens in these tacky bar awkward situations is that, embarrassed, the toucher continues to touch. To stop would be admitting fault, and a creepy fault at that. The toucher knows it’s wrong, but now people are watching. Now the toucher has to make it a game, make it the touchee’s fault. No one buys it, of course. He’s just delaying the inevitable.

Like Marc, who now finds himself on the news. You’ve got to watch this video. It’s another Noyes gem. And really, it’s probably nearing porn to those who enjoy a very specific, under-reported fetish.

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