pussy burger.jpg Cunnilingus. It’s the holy grail of sex acts. For most women.

But not all. I’m not trying to ruin it for the millions of women who can’t come without clitoral simulation, but you know, not all women are made the same. Most women do need direct and prolonged stimulation on their clits in order to orgasm, but that’s not to say that all women need that.

During penetration, many women find difficulty orgasming. The solution usually lies in the clit–either a thumb on it during penetration or a good round of tongue lashing can do the trick. Some women, however, find their clits too sensitive during sex or know that better orgasms await inside their vaginas.

Women can come from different kind of stimulation: breast/nipple, clit, G-spot, pain, or even cervix. Some claim they’ve come from lower back massages or even pure fantasizing, without any physical stimulation whatsoever. Yeah, the vagina is pretty much amazing. Most women, though, find the most orgasmic success in that little bundle or nerves right outside their vaginas.

Perhaps it’s a good sign that apparently many people have been conditioned to view cunnilingus as a necessary part of sex with a woman. High school and college seemed full of (obviously clueless) people who thought licking pussy was gross, tasted weird, or smelled funny. Maybe it’s just me, and I’ve been dating the right kind of people…but more and more it appears that people are clamoring to put their mouths on the ladybits.

Which, good for women who love and need cunnilingus. Not so much for the women who just want you to stick it in already. And it’s not necessarily the quality of the oral sex received. Imagine getting your boot licked: sure, it looks super hot and there’s an arousal factor in that, but you’re not really getting any physical pleasure from it. For a woman who’s more G-spot than clit, oral sex becomes something you lie through because they’re into it, and hey, it’s still sex. But it’s not the best kind of sex, at least not for you.

It’s not that her clit is useless either. Clits are designed to be pleasure centers, and sometimes they can get tired or overworked. Sometimes they respond better to a familiar touch (i.e. hers), vibration instead of tongue, licking instead of sucking, figure-eights instead of the alphabet. As with everything sex, the key is communication.

Every person is different and likes different things. That thing your did with your tongue and the Altoids to Cindy might not fare so well for Paula. It’s not unsexy to ask your partner what she likes, and you might even be surprised to find that a number of women do like a side of penetration with their cunnilingus. Usually, two partners can reach a compromise: you decide how often you can eat me out, but I decide for how long. If you’re into power play, oral training can become a part of your bedroom routine as you order your partner’s head, nose, lips, tongue, teeth, and fingers around the right areas.

Both partners have to be open to making oral sex work, otherwise it becomes a sore spot for the two of them. Disliking cunnilingus is not necessarily a reflection on an individual partner’s technique but rather a preference for one type of sex over another. There are many other places you can stick that mouth, and I’m sure you can find many other ways to stimulate your ladyfriend too.

Image by TheGiantVermin.

The Sexual Manifesto is Christine Borden’s weekly column on sex in the city, sex and culture, and, well, sex. Got a tip for Christine (and it’s not in your pants)? Email her at christine@sfappeal.com.

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