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Women don’t usually solicit cock pictures. But then again, most straight guys can’t take a decent amateur shot to save their (sex) lives.

And the gays? Well, one time when I was the only woman left at a gay party, one boy shouted out, “Let’s show each other our penises!” I don’t think you boys need my help.

A good cock picture is a visually striking pantysoaker, so think like someone who likes dick if you want to impress the recipient. What do dicklovers love about dick?

Hardness. For chrissake, no flaccid wang, not even semi-hard. That erection better cut through steel, and the closer you get to orgasm, the better. Sure, snapping a picture of your cock is the last thing you’ll think about when you’re just about to come, but who said you had to take the picture by yourself?

Length. It doesn’t matter if you’re big or small or just plain average. People who look at cock pictures want to glean how big you really are. The best angles to show off length are from the side (think of it as a penis profile) and from a sitting position with the camera angled upward, especially if you’ve got a bellyslapper cock. It’s tempting to just open up your pants and snap down there, but this man’s eye view often makes the penis look thinner and can be disorienting for someone who doesn’t own a cock of their own and is not used to looking at one from that angle.

Girth. Tape measure is kinda uninventive, but a visual guide helps translate the thickness of your meat. Beer bottles, soda cans…how do you measure up to items that we put in our hands every day? Some might think the props tacky, but the next time I wrap my hand around a can of Monster, I’m going to be thinking of yours.

Hair. Now, you can groom yourself any way you like any other day, but a little manscaping goes a long way. Take a pair of scissors and trim away the bush around your stalk. Are you trying to show off your dick or your pubes? There ya go.

The overall visual. I mean lighting and quality and background here. The recipient (ostensibly) wants to see your cock, so make sure it’s the best image you can produce. Light the room well and bring in a lamp if you have to. Opt for the digital camera over the camera phone or the webcam–make every vein pop! Last but not least, consider the background of the shot. Are you on your kid sister’s bed? In front of a crib? Not sexy.

Above all, you want to show off your best assets and discerning features. If your dick turns all shades of purple, make sure you get that brilliant hue. Is the head of your penis especially big and juicy? Go for the, um, head-on shot–you can work it.

Maybe if the majority of cock pictures weren’t so boring then more straight women/cocklovers would enjoy receiving them. That still doesn’t give you free rein to spam your intimate photos, but the next time you pop the question you might wind up with a resounding “Yes! My email is…”

Image from Jnarin.

The Sexual Manifesto is Christine Borden’s weekly column on sex in the city, sex and culture, and, well, sex. Got a tip for Christine (and it’s not in your pants)? Email her at christine@sfappeal.com.

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  • cedichou

    There was this shop in the castro that used a kit to make a molding of your organ. A life-size replica, that’s better than a well lit high-res digital camera shot.