Oh lord, another week. Don’t they just seem to hurtle one after another without even a pause for refreshment? It’s really no way to measure time. No way at all. Anyway, how is yours? Saucing along with its big hoop earrings? Coming in second at the wastebasket hoops tourney? Clenching and unclenching itself to a zen state of nice ass-edness? Sandwiched between ham and other ham?

Youth in Revolt — Century Centre 9, AMC Van Ness

It should have been an obvious failure. The man’s appeal comes from his wickedly awkward sincerity. He’s a 6 year old with a baseball bat. Every swing is a county fair strength test and sometimes he makes a nice twirl and everyone forgets it’s a game of strength. But here we have him as his own foil. He’s the lowfat cottage cheese of actors and we all know that makes for some awful leftovers. A misstep I call this. A techno move on a hiphop dancefloor. But what do I know, I’m lactose intolerant. Website.

Daybreakers — Century Centre 9, AMC Van Ness

This is clearly the product of some hand-stitched wallets in a room watching Twilight and licking their chops. In the sales textbooks it’s covered in the chapter titled “How Much Can You Get From A Man Who’s Crying?” Some nobleman was surely proselytizing a pushed-back release. “Just until the storm clears!” he pleaded, “it doesn’t have to be this way!” And then they fed him to the dogs…Website.

The Good Old Naughty Days — The Red Vic

“A collection of 12 silent hardcore pornographic shorts from the early 1900s.”

If it was called The Bad Young Naughty Days I’d be more inclined to go. What sort of snack does one bring to this kind of thing? Info.

Wonderful World — Opera Plaza

Okay so this is going to be bad or whatever. I certainly don’t care. Matthew Broderick is a miserable man and failed children’s story folk singer or something. Doesn’t matter. He has a Nigerian roommate who helps him not be miserable. Nobody cares. He takes a woman into his house who makes him some ethnic food and he learns not to be an asshole. Fine. Congrats.

This movie costars Omar from The Wire. Anyone who knows Omar knows he would never settle for being in an indie family drama with a man that looks like a stubbled cupcake. If he makes any mention of Honey Nut Cheerios, Broderick better be packing some serious muscle or he’s gonna get his beer cap twisted for being a sissy. Info.

Bitch Slap — Lumiere Theatre

“Bitch Slap is a cat-fighting, pile-driving, go-go dancing, bronco-busting, bumping & grinding, philosophy-touting, breast-augmenting, femme-tastic fight-fantasy of epic proportions!”

A mouthful. Info.

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