If there’s anything San Franciscans dislike more than the idea of not living forever it is the idea that the Bay Bridge might be the cause of their untimely demise.

San Franciscans feel about the Bay Bridge as the contestants on Top Chef feel about Natalie Portman guest judging an elimination challenge: underneath her benign exterior is a rampant vegetarian (vegan?!) who makes everyone feel uglier than her because they are (not you Padma) and because they like to cook steak.

This may be the first time Natalie Portman has been compared to the Bay Bridge, and she would probably be flattered (she’s not a San Franciscan) and then traumatized because everyone knows that The Bay Bridge is a meat eater, and the meat it wants to eat is yours.

San Franciscans profess not to want to drive on the Bay Bridge, but every time it’s shut down for repairs (every other minute) they complain, because they won’t be able to get to work very fast (at all) and because they won’t be able to put their lives in danger by driving on the bridge.

Then, when the repairs are finished and they are allowed to drive their environmentally conscious automobiles (Hummer limousines) to work again they have the audacity to complain when pieces of the bridge start falling on their Priuses (Hummer limousines).

It’s like a freaking catch-22 or something, and the book by the same name is widely considered by San Franciscans to be an extended metaphor about the relationship between the Bay Bridge and the people who put their lives in its ridiculously incompetent steel claws.

If you’re really into anthropomorphism (a vegetarian) you can kind of understand why the Bay Bridge hates San Franciscans as much as Natalie Portman hates to wear stilettos made out of raw steak. The Bay Bridge is like the ultimate Other Sister in the San Francisco bridge family and the movie by the same name is actually based on a novella, which was ghost written for Dave Eggers by Danielle Steele, about the rivalry between the BB and the GG.

I don’t think I need to tell you which sister plays the Bay Bridge, or at least I wouldn’t have to tell a San Franciscan.

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