Note: Most of these links are so, so NSFW. Then again, why would you read a sex column at work anyway?
Well shoot, if it isn’t a last-minute holiday gift guide filled with sexy presents! Excuse me while I get my Yuletide groaners out of the way.
With only a few shopping days left, this guide will help you stuff her stocking. If you know what I mean. At this time of year, it’s better to be naughty than nice. Oh yeah, Santa’s coming all right, heh. You can even stick it in a nice box (you get it, eh?). Ho ho ho indeed. If you know what I mean (because, really, I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean).
Ahem. In no particular order:
Hitachi Magic Wand
You can never go wrong with a classic. It’s strong, it’s long, and it’s bound to get the friction on.
Pretty Little Things from Dollhouse Bettie
Forget Victoria’s Secret–Dollhouse Bettie has the frilliest, laciest, most delicate retro lingerie. From stockings to bustiers, this Haight Street store teems with clothing that won’t stay on for very long.
Aneros Prostate Massager
One of Good Vibrations’ bestsellers, this little guy should hit the spot…the P-spot that is. Its thin 3/4″ width makes it great for beginners curious about sticking nice things in their butts.
Gigi or Iris Rechargeable Vibrator
Sure, you pay more for a rechargeable toy, but the user will never have to make an emergency battery run again. Plus, kind to the environment! The Gigi is smaller (4 1/2″ insertable and 1 1/4″ width) with a flat head perfect for clit/perineum stimulation as well. For those who want more cubic pleasure, select the Iris, which measures in at 5 1/16″ by 1 3/8″.
Jenna Jameson Is The Masseuse
Best. Porno. Ever. Starring Jenna Jameson before she got that recent crazy facework, this porn explodes with chemistry and heat. She’s boning her real-life husband here, so you know there’s got to be some intense scenes going on here. Ooh, light kink and girl-on-girl strap-on sex!
$39.95 for hardcopy
Anything From Jimmyjane
Jimmyjane makes the kind of sex toy you’d display on your coffee table or mantelpiece. Sleek and minimalist, these toys turn on your partner before you even turn on the motors. I’d recommend one of the Little Chromas or Form 2. Some products are available at your local Good Vibes.
Most toys $100+.
A Subscription to Crash Pad Series
Queer porn at its best, CrashPad‘s got a little something for everyone, including gender identities you’ve never even heard of. But most of all, the sex is raw and passionate.
$20-$35 per month
A Custom Corset From Dark Garden
For the man or woman who has everything but a cinched waist, Dark Garden crafts some of the finest corsets around. If you know your partner’s measurements, you can purchase a ready-to-wear waist cincher or sweetheart corset, but the real gem is a custom piece designed in fabric, leather, or patent leather especially for your lover. In this case, an IOU slipped under the tree is perfectly acceptable.
Custom pieces $520-$940, more for dresses. Readymade $225 to $350.
And yeah, if you want to be a cheap and pseudo-romantic, you can make certificates promising back massages and foot rubs, but lemme tell you those should not be seasonal items. Make it your new year’s resolution not to be a scrooge with cuddles and touching of the pleasant and sensual kind. Instead, open up your wallet for a gift that will make your partner squeal with delight. Ya know whadda mean.
The Sexual Manifesto is Christine Borden’s weekly column on sex in the city, sex and culture, and, well, sex. Got a tip for Christine (and it’s not in your pants)? Email her at email@example.com.