Southwest is officially the most ghetto airline people actually use. I mean, there’s probably “Budget Air” and “Penny Fliers”, but the only folks that fly those are dead somewhere in a Midwestern marsh.

But every once in a horrible while, we must all deign to fly Southwest, the airline that not only boards us like cattle, but doesn’t even assign seats. Flight attendants, the very people who are supposed to save us when we tumble towards the ocean, sport khaki shorts and polo shirts like we’re on some sort of corporate team building exercise. And instead of the usual, “Um, excuse me. They’re boarding first class. I get to cut you,” our only way to feel superior is, “Um, excuse me. They’re boarding Group B and I went online last night.”

Getting glamorous, celebrity treatment on Southwest Airlines is kinda like requesting your Mountain Dew in Waterford crystalWhen I fly regular airlines, the ones that actually scan my luggage for bombs and keep track of who’s on board, I try and dress like a paparazzi-hounded movie star, just in case I bump into one. I wear sunglasses and cashmere, carrying Evian and Vogue. When I fly Southwest, I try and dress like an escaped convict, because I’ll probably be sitting next to one. I wear sweatpants and Chapstick, carrying a Slim Jim and The Weekly World News.

So it comes as quite a shock to me that glamorous new mother and our First Lady, Jennifer Siebel Newsom flies Southwest like everyone els….Wait. I was about to say she flies like everyone else. But that would be ridiculous. According to Chronicle curmudgeons Matier & Ross, Jennifer recently had some khaki-shorted Southwest flunkie pre-board and save her a seat, so she could swoosh onto this discount airline without having to throw elbows for seats — the usual Lord of the Flies Southwest boarding strategy.

Getting glamorous, celebrity treatment on Southwest Airlines is kinda like requesting your Mountain Dew in Waterford crystal at Der Weinerschnitzel. It’s akin to having a personal shopper at Ross Dress for Less or trying to valet park at a pawn shop.

I won’t deny anyone an attempt at glamor, but someone had to call ahead to Southwest and request such special treatment. Someone chauffeuring her around had to say, “You want me to do what? I…I’m not sure that they do that. I mean…it’s Southwest.”

Anyway, good for her, getting back to work. I think it’s safe to assume that the entire time Jennifer was gallivanting around Los Angeles demanding a table by the window at In and Out Burger, Gavin was burping the baby at home all by himself.

Happy flying!

PS: To the (no doubt, talented) pilot of the Southwest flights I’ll be taking next month, please disregard the above.

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  • be_devine

    Guess her staff forgot to mention that Virgin flies to LA. Bet they high-fived each other as she wandered down the jetway into the Southwest abyss.

  • sfmike

    “kinda like requesting your Mountain Dew in Waterford crystal at Der Weinerschnitzel” is my new favorite line. My life will be devoted to waiting for the perfect moment to repeat it.

  • sprshrp

    I’m dying to know which airline the cool kids fly when Virgin can’t get us where we need to be?

    better, please explain how one becomes shallow/wealthy enough to self-identify based upon which airline she flies?

  • generic

    I find these remarks about Jennifer Siebel Newsom to be offensive.
    I am … offended.
    I shall compose a slightly worrisome email and send it to you posthaste.

  • kwyjibo

    Oh, what delicious fun! Let’s pile on and make fun of an unpretentious company by calling them “ghetto.” That’s great! We can pretend to be au courant and sound like racists, too! Yay.

    Nevermind that Southwest only promises to get you safely from point “A” to point “B” without mood lighting, live TV, or much of anything else. It’s basic transportation. If we were really all that fabulous, we would probably own a share of a fractional or maybe even our own little Eclipse Jet in which to buzz around.

    Nevermind that Southwest has modified their boarding process so that the “cattle call” is more of an organized round-up and ALL the heifers can rest and chew their cuds for a bit until their group is called. It’s still a fast and efficient way to load an airplane.

    Nevermind that Southwest has decided not to join the rest of the herd and charge extra for checking bags. Yup, they have raised drink prices. Yup, they do charge to pre-board and send a kid across the country by herself. They’re not always they cheapest, but they at least don’t try to fool us into thinking we’re going to have some sort of luxury experience!

    Gang, when you cast aspersions on a company based upon the socio-economic status of its client

  • generic

    oh