That’s what I did when I saw what Halloween movies were screening this weekend.

Did my team of manservant lackeys miss something or are these the best scary movies this city has to offer? Some days I don’t even know why I pay these assholes.

The problem with Halloween in San Francisco is that three weeks ago I saw two bums having sex at the 6th and Market bus stop. The bus stop in the middle of the street, not the sidewalk. Is nothing holy anymore? Have even our bus stops lost their decency? It’s a troubled world we live in. The worst of it is, you can’t top that. If Halloween is about anything at all (*shaking head rapidly*), it’s about overdoing it. Which brings us to…

Zombieland — Metreon, AMC Van Ness

You can’t out-zombieland Zombieland. What could we have done after seeing it last night, gone for a drink? I could have popped tequila shots like orange tic tacs but unless the bar had a rotating bookshelf and a secret weapons cache, I was doomed to looking like a pussy all night. When we jumped on a bus and saw actual zombies (one teenage girl in convincing makeup, to be exact), I got to thinking…open fire? Clearly option 1. But what then? We splatter teen zombie guts on a nice family headed to Burma Superstar. Strangers are overjoyed. I feel great. But that’s only matching Zombieland at best. And we just SAW Zombieland. I emptied my last few shotgun rounds into the pale girl’s face as this song blared. It was glorious, everyone left alive on the 21 stood and applauded, I was drenched in blood, women were fainting, and still I felt like an amateur.

Nightmare Before Christmas — The Castro Theatre

Tim Burton is about as masculine as the guy standing next to Hemingway at the urinal. Whatever. We’ll do a ladies night. Call me. Info.

Nosferatu — Davies Symphony Hall

Meet you here in 60 years? Info.

Let The Right One In / Pig Hunt — The Red Vic

Local favorite (universally despised) Pig Hunt gets yet another screening. It’s a classic date movie, provided your date wears a Hitler mustache, has a pet snake, and wishes you were dead. And the beautiful Swede I’ve never seen, Let The Right One In, gets a final showing tonight right between when everyone liked it and when everyone starts saying, “hey remember that Swedish movie we liked?” Also reading subtitles on Halloween is like going to the dentist. Info.

The Canyon — Opera Plaza

The description calls it a “nightmarish thriller”. Isn’t “nightmarish” a pretty tame adjective?

Oh hey, did you sleep well last night?
I had a bad dream.
Was it a nightmare?
It was nightmare-ish.

I rest my case. Info.

Rocky Horror Picture Show — The Clay (Midnight)

It’s tradition… Info.

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant
– Century Centre 9, AMC Van Ness

The first rule of making movies for teenagers is to make sure they can pronounce the title. Failing rule #1 is not a good start. Website.

Michael Jackson’s This Is It – Century Centre 9, Sundance Kabuki, 4-Star, Marina Theater, AMC Van Ness

AHHHH!!! Website.

Please make sure your comment adheres to our comment policy. If it doesn't, it may be deleted. Repeat violations may cause us to revoke your commenting privileges. No one wants that!