Taking Woodstock — AMC Metreon, Sundance Kabuki

Ang Lee directed this so I figure it’s about bi-curious hippies. Bi-curiosity is great because it makes it sound like your curiosity has just been doubled when in fact it’s about as likely that your self-control has halved or your laziness has tripled, or both. Perhaps you’re bi-confused? Given the amount of LSD you’ve been doing I’d say that’s likely. It’s complicated but basically the formula looks like this: f(n,v) = (n + v)/acid + max(0, Ang Lee(Demitri Martin + Paul Dano)-1). Where n = number of penises, v = number of vaginas, and acid = your sensitivity to warm colors and soft things.

Warning: the graph comes out decidedly NSFW. Website.

The Goonies – The Clay (Midnight, Fri-Sun)

[insert your favorite line from the movie here]. Follow it up with “AT MIDNIGHT!” and you’ve got yourself a date. What? No, I didn’t mean with me. Oh because I’m busy that day. No really I’d love to but I can’t. Really swamped right now. Yeah. I’m sure you will “supply the popcorn,” but really I– I am booked solid. Really, really busy with tests and things this week. Yeah, I know, the summer is when…I do independent study, so…Oh it’s not until Friday? Friday…hmm…let me…no can do. Bible study. Almost forgot about it. Yeah…big into it. Keeps me centered. But hey, next time. Sure. Yeah. Oh you mean “next time” like the next day? Cause it also plays on Saturday? How’d we get in the bathroom? It’s really dark in here. I am gonna feel terrible tomorrow. Info.

Gamer — AMC Metreon, Van Ness

Let’s do this! Guess who’s gettin’ powned? You’re gettin’ powned! That’s right. I’m gonna sticky you and run over your body with my tank. Here we go. I’m doin’ it right now. This is awesome. Can you feel that? How’s that feel? Your body gettin’ smeared into the ground like that. I bet you like that. You’re so nasty. Somebody answer the fucking door! Barkett, why are you such a bitch? Would you kill somebody here already? Oh snap! Did you see me do that? Watch me while I do it again. Watch the joy on my face. I think we’re playing some 11 year-olds right now. This is illegal in other states what I’m doing to this kid. So wrong. Hey, beer me that burrito right there. What is this, chicken? You’re such a bitch. Triple kill! Website.

Ladies and gentleman…the entire college experience. Thank you and goodnight.

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