G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra — Century Centre 9, AMC Van Ness

The web was abuzz for about 5 seconds the other day when it was announced that G.I. Joe wouldn’t be screened for critics. Sure, free movies are my only source of joy in this watered-down soup of a life, but no G.I. Joe? I’m not sweating it.

Not screening G.I. Joe for critics is like like not giving out lentils at the homeless shelter to professional movie critics. Or like not selling baking powder to people who think it’s crack cocaine, when those people are professional movie critics. The difference is that while crack cocaine and lentils are undeniably good things, G.I. Joe is sure to be the worst thing you won’t see this year.

The only way I’ll see this is if in three months I’m going up Leavenworth to pick up my monthly crack supply before I hit up the food bank and feel a tug at my pant leg from a 12 fingered man in cargo shorts peddling a very shiny new DVD. Just kidding, I would never buy my crack on an empty stomach. Website.

Paper Heart — Century Centre 9

Speaking of empty stomachs, Michael Cera plays his usually skinny self in this semi-documentary with the girl who might have been his girlfriend for a while, Charlene Yi. Yi is all “what’s up with love?” Documentary-style. Until she meets the cardigan to go over her plaid button-up. See how I just likened Michael Cera to a cardigan? What if I said “until she meets the nunchuk to her wiimote”? No? How about “until she meets the square black frames to her thick prescription lenses”? Thanks for sticking with me here people. Website.

Julie & Julia — Century Centre 9, AMC Van Ness

This is my mom’s summer blockbuster. It’s about Julia Child because I guess we’re looking for ways to make Meryl Streep whiter. Seriously, in every scene she sounds like she just popped out of an Easy-Bake oven.

But since making a movie about Julia Child might be too risky in our morally girded society…–Sorry, I got distracted by these new Vanessa Hudgens pictures–…they decided to make a parallel story where Amy Adams writes a blog about food. It’s a project she’s willing to throw the kitchen sink at, but will it be a success or will it turn her life into an upside down cake? Website.

**Please hire me to write movie taglines.**

Easy Rider – The Red Vic

No, you’re the man. Info.

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