Clean is the new filthy! This Sunday, menaced by the Newsom administration’s war on fun, Up Your Alley has had to clean up their act a bit, lest they suffer the same cruel punishment as Halloween. So, new rule: NO LEWD BEHAVIOR. That means exposed sexing is a definite no-no; expulsion of bodily fluids is verboten; and nudity is, at best, iffy.

But just because you can’t have sex in public doesn’t mean you can’t still have a good time! (We know, we know, that sounds unlikely. But hear us out.) There’s still plenty of naughty fun to be had without exposing a dick or a tit. Allow us to make some suggestions; get some friends together, try something new, and maybe you’ll discover something you never knew you loved — and if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll even gain some new friends.

All links are, obvs, NSFW.

Ponyplay is the first fetish that leaps to mind; a bit more exotic than simple leather, but not so outlandish that San Franciscans are likely to bat an eye. The rules are simple: pretend you are a pony. And that’s really about it. Of course, accessories are in order: hooves, a mask, a tail. What fun! What non-lewd, non-nude, purely legal and thoroughly unobjectionable fun. You might want to brush up by flipping through a few issues of Equus Eroticus, a periodical for the ponyplay enthusiast (we recommend issue 21, “The World of Ponyboys and Ponygirls“).

And if ponies aren’t your species of choice, you could always give puppyplay a shot. Or pigplay. Cats, wolves and foxes are popular, too.

At this point, fursuiting is so mainstream it hardly even seems worth mentioning. You surely know all about it already: dressing up as fluffy cartoony animal mascots. Frankly, this past time seems a bit precious and vanilla for an event like Up Your Alley — it almost too thoroughly satisfies the fair’s new rules: no one could accuse you of showing too much skin when you’re bundled up in a fursuit, too sweaty to yiff.

But as long as we’re talking about dehumanization, perhaps human furniture is more to your liking. It’s just what it sounds like. Humans. As furniture. Here is a picture of a human candle (Zach Galifianakis, is that you?), a face chair, and a “gorgeous male candelabra”. Some assembly may be required.

instead of peeing on your compatriots right there on the street, pee into a thermos beforehand and then ration out your urine to the lucky recipients. Or piss in your pants and then offer to wring them out over a friend.Okay, maybe the furniture’s a bit too outlandish for some. Perhaps you’re one of those mundanes who is more interested in humans than animals or home furnishings. Alright then — how about a little adult baby roleplay? What could possibly be more innocent! Don a bib and a diaper and maybe an extra-large bottle of milk, and you’ll be the happiest, most innocent toddler at the fair.

Of course, all of these suggestions involve a bit of work and pageantry. If you’re not up for gathering costumes, we understand; for a simpler approach, you could always just engage in a bit of watersport. You’ll just need to be creative in order to circumvent the lewdness laws: instead of peeing on your compatriots right there on the street, pee into a thermos beforehand and then ration out your urine to the lucky recipients. Even lazier? Piss in your pants and then offer to wring them out over a friend.

And speaking of pants, this is a perfect opportunity to give away some of your old undergarments. All those threadbare pink American Apparel undies clogging up your dresser drawer? Go for one last sweaty jog whilst wearing them — all of them — and then hand them out like business cards. In fact, you could even write your phone number on them. Now you’re networking!

And have you considered holding an English High Tea? The protocol is quite strict, and includes such rules as: ensure that the spout of the teapot faces the hostess; employ only four-ounce teacups; do not raise the saucer unless at a buffet tea, in which case you must hold the saucer in your left hand; and place a slice (never a wedge) of lemon in each finger bowl. There’s nothing inherently sexual here, we just thought we’d mention it as something you might enjoy.

Fisting is precluded by the street fair’s new lewdness statutes, unless you slip an ass and an arm into one of those lightproof bags that cinematographers use to change reels of film. But body inflation is still a rectal possibility! Most participants employ airtight latex suits, but the really dedicated bloat their actual bodies with carbonated drinks, saline, or, if you dare, an aquarium pump in the butt. And for the truly fearless, there’s Diet Coke and Mentos to chug. (Apparently this “hurts like a bitch,” which makes sense, because it could probably kill you. So opt for something safer!) Bottoms up.

Which reminds us: belly button play. No genital exposure necessary! Just stick your finger into someone’s button and wiggle it around something fierce. (Or use a surgical device if you’re concerned about germs.) No introductions necessary.

And oh, right, and there’s also stuff you can do with muscles and flexing and taking off your shirt and so on. We guess. If you’re into that. Whatever. Seems kind of dumb.

So there you go! We’ve only just scratched the surface (which itself is a fetish that you might consider), but we hope we’ve provided some inspiration. Do let us know if you’d recommend any other games for this weekend’s fair; and whether you’re pretending to be a baby, filling your intestines with air, or wearing a stranger’s crotch over your head, be sure to have a safe, fun, and completely clean time.

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  • Brock Keeling

    Appropriately enough, I’ve wet myself from laughing too much as I read this. Just wonderful.