I’ve always been fascinated by plane crashes. I think it started as a child, when I prepared for summer vacations by researching the best ways to survive firery fuselage. For example, one should wear leather soled shoes when flying. If you’ve got to run through flaming jet fuel, rubber soles will obviously melt.

As for water landings, I’m stumped. I really just cross my fingers and hope that Sully’s at the helm of our crashing coffin. Which brings me to Air France flight 447, slowly floating to the surface of the Atlantic as I type.

There’s something to be said for the Mark Wahlberg in The Perfect Storm-esque bravery of making it to the surface and goin’ down swinging.While apparently mountainous down there, the ocean is deep. Just how deep, I can’t figure out. In the same article linked to above, we’re informed, “The ocean depth where the debris and bodies have been found is 6,000 to 8,000 meters (about 19,700 to 26,250 feet) deep, Brazilian military officials said.” immediately after being informed, “The ocean depth where the debris and bodies have been found varies dramatically, but in general is about nearly 9,900 feet (3000 meters) deep, according to the University of New Hampshire/National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association Joint Hydrographic Center.”

Hmmm. Let’s just go with “hella deep.”

Okay, here are my questions:

1. Did the plane explode in midair or crash into the ocean?

2. Did everyone on board die instantly or drown a horrible death while trying to release their seatbelts in a panic?

3. Why are bodies floating to the surface now? As Eve asked, “Are there no sharks?”

I suspect the plane crashed into the ocean. If the bodies are floating up relatively intact, wouldn’t that imply the plane crashed and sank as opposed to, you know, exploding in midair sending pieces of everything and everyone everywhere? And since they’ve recovered 28 bodies already, how long does it take to determine if those poor souls drowned or not? Water in lungs = water crash. Seriously, fly me down there. I should be working this case.

If we’re correct on the water crash, I think (and hope) everyone on board died instantly. Although, there’s something to be said for the Mark Wahlberg in The Perfect Storm-esque bravery of making it to the surface and goin’ down swinging. I’d like to think if I were on board that fated flight and survived the initial water crash, I’d do my damndest to stay afloat, lest someone wish to make a movie about my heroic survival.

As for the bodies floating around the Atlantic, clearly however deep down that plane is, it’s got a huge fucking hole in it. I’m just surprised a human body can travel miles (literally, miles) to the surface without … I don’t know, getting eaten by a school of evil Brazilian piranhas.

Obviously, this whole thing is a horrible tragedy. And I can’t help but imagine what it must have been like to board that plane, pissed some sassy flight attendant asked me to turn off my iPod prior to take-off and having no idea some helicopter would end up fishing my remains out of an ocean. Months after these plane crashes, when a team of investigators has pieced together every last shred of evidence, they always determine the cause of the calamity was some lug nut that wasn’t screwed in correctly 7 years ago. Take-off after take-off, landing after landing, that lug nut hangs on, until one day, iPods in hands and carry-ons shoved between their feet, a bunch of folks just trying to get from Brazil to France crash into the Atlantic. I can’t shake it. This won’t stop me from getting on a plane, of course. It just means I’ll be investing in some more leather soled shoes.

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