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Say it with me, folks: Oh No, Ed Jew!! Ed Jew, through his lawyer, has thrown himself on the mercy of the U.S. District Court, and from the excerpts of his leniency request that were published in the press, this is possibly the most appalling court document I have ever seen.

Don’t just take my word for it! Here’s the relevant portions of the article — I’ve bolded all the awesome adjectives because, well — why not?

Jew’s attorney, Stuart Hanlon, argued in a filing submitted to U.S. District Judge Susan Illston that Jew was not motivated by financial greed but rather was “overzealous” in seeking money for community projects that he thought would raise his political stature. Hanlon wrote that Jew was “an impulsive, exuberant man who demanded funds thinking this would gain him the political power and notoriety he had seen others gain.”

Well, that doesn’t seem to have worked out quite the way Mr. Jew had planned, then, hm? Next quote:

Hanlon also contended in the filing that Jew deserved leniency because his judgment was diminished by a brain injury he suffered when hit by a motorcycle at age 8.

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Oh NOEZ!! Ed Jew, oh NOEZ!!! Well, I guess the thinking here is if playing the race card didn’t work before….

And here’s Hanlon’s stirring conclusion for why Ed deserves a lenient jail sentence:

Jew showed “colossally bad judgment” in demanding money from the operators of Quickly tapioca drink shop.

You know, we usually say “Ed Jew, oh no,” around here — but for calling it “colossally bad judgment”, can I get a hell yeah?? Hell yeah!

Ed’s sentencing is this Friday — where are you in the sentencing pool? Probably the logical bet is that the judge’ll split the difference between the one year proposed by Ed and the four year and nine months proposed by the feds and give him around 30 months, but I think I’m going to go with the judge adopting the fed recommendation of 57 months as is. When placing your bets, everyone, don’t forget the judge can always deviate up or down from the recommendation if she wants!

We were also overzealous and impulsive when we ordered these boba teas from the fateful Quickly on Irving and 23rd. Photo: Rita Hao

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  • Able Dart

    Bubble tea is gross. My cousin came over from Portland and wanted to try some because they don’t have it over there and she thought it was exotic. We went to the Quickly on Clement Street. She got sick from it.

  • Able Dart

    Bubble tea is gross. My cousin came over from Portland and wanted to try some because they don’t have it over there and she thought it was exotic. We went to the Quickly on Clement Street. She got sick from it.

  • Matt Baume

    The ohnoes just keep coming, don’t they? I like this new depiction of Ed as being eternally injury-prone, like Chevy Chase as Gerald Ford.

  • Matt Baume

    The ohnoes just keep coming, don’t they? I like this new depiction of Ed as being eternally injury-prone, like Chevy Chase as Gerald Ford.

  • SweetMelissa

    I’ve missed your Ed Jew coverage, Rita!! Ed Jew in jail should be a reality series.

  • SweetMelissa

    I’ve missed your Ed Jew coverage, Rita!! Ed Jew in jail should be a reality series.